Tough
by imjustpeachee
Summary: Mikey has never handled pain very well, much to the annoyance - and concern - of his brothers. One day Raph decides to teach him a lesson that may have just driven Mikey into the enemy's arms...
1. Tough Chapter 1

"Owowow!" Mikey cried as once again, Donatello tried to place the ice pack on his arm.

"C'mon Mikey it's not _that_ bad," Don said rolling his eyes. The purple turtle was quickly becoming irritated.

"But it hurts so bad dude," Mikey said eyes watering. He knew Donnie hated it when he whined but his arm _did_ hurt.

"Mikey, it's just a bruise," Don sighed. "It probably won't even last more than a week."

"I bruise like a peach Don," Mikey sniffled.

"Ugh fine!" Donnie said throwing the melting ice pack at Mikey. "Then ice your own bruises."

Muttering to himself, Donnie stalked out of his lab joining the two older turtles in their living room.

Mikey pouted as he gingerly set the cold ice against his arm. The bruise was already starting to change color.

It had happened during sparring. Raph got paired with Leo as usual, and Donnie was paired with Mikey. Things had been going fine, with Mikey dancing around his purple brother, dodging his attacks and taunting the genius.

"Guess the only muscle you have is that brain of yours Einstein wannabe," the orange turtle giggled. That is until Donnie's staff had connected solidly with his arm.

Yelping, Mikey lost focus and was quickly pinned beneath the older turtle. Master Splinter had simply shaken his head as once again, the young turtle had let the pain cloud his mind in battle.

How many times had they been over this? As a ninja, there was no mercy in battle. Your opponent will not hesitate if you are injured. If anything they will exploit it. Sighing, Splinter had brought their training to an end, dismissing his sons. He would reprimand Michelangelo later.

The boys left the dojo, Mikey still whining about his injury. Leo had good naturedly commiserated, while Don had offered to care for his baby brother's arm. Raphael however, had had enough.

As Donnie had ushered Mikey into his lab. Raph whirled on Leo growling.

"How many times are we gunna coddle tha wuss?!" he yelled angrily.

Leo glared at the hot head. "He was hurt."

"He's ALWAYS gettin' hurt!" Raph fumed. "And it ain't even that bad! I mean c'mon Leo, a bruise and his focus goes to shell!"

Leo sighed. He knew Raph was right. Mikey had always struggled to focus in almost anything he did. Being distracted by something as minor as a bruise wasn't very ninja-like.

His head turned as a frustrated Donatello stomped into the living room.

"He's icing his own arm," Donnie said scowling as he plopped down on the kitchen barstool.

"I thought you were helping him?" Leo asked questioningly.

"He was complaining so much about his arm you'd think someone had cut it off," Donnie said with a snort. "Imagine if someone _actually_ hit him."

"My point exactly Leo," Raph said, his anger heating up once again. "What happens when we're all topside? He's gonna get us all killed!"

Back in the lab, Mikey winced. Raph's words cut deep. Slowly lowering the now melted ice pack, Mikey looked up where his brother's voices were coming from. Was Raph right? Did his reaction to pain cause his family to be in danger? Would he really get them killed?

"Tha kid's gotta be tougher if he wants ta protect this family!" Raph yelled. "And if I have ta beat it inta him then so be it!"

Mikey cringed as he heard Raph's heavy feet come closer. Shaking, he brought his fists up to defend himself from his hothead brother's attack. He hated fighting, especially when the Raph was in one of his rages.

All too soon, the red turtle's hulking frame hung in the lab's doorway.

"You. Me. Dojo. NOW!" Raph yelled.

Mikey's eyes went wide. Rather than pouncing on him, Raph had held off to make the demand. Confused and more than a little wary, Mikey sheepishly followed the red turtle into the dojo.

Raph whirled around, his eyes flashing with angry determination. One way or another his baby brother was going to learn. He had to be tough. Without a word Raph pulled his sai from his belt, spinning the weapons deftly in his three-fingered hands. There was only one way to get tough, and he was going to make sure Mikey was the toughest mother out there. Well…after himself of course.

Mikey watched his older brother with apprehension. Leo hadn't come to his rescue this time, and Don was still irritated from his earlier whining. For once Raph had got his way and the thought terrified Mikey. As the red-masked ninja had pulled out his weapons, Mikey squeaked. Was Raph really going to spar with him?

"Come on ya wuss," Raph growled. "We ain't leavin' here 'till ya get it through ya thick skull. If ya wanna be a ninja an' protect this family, ya gotta be TOUGH!"

With the last word Raph rushed Mikey crouching low and striking out with the hilt of his sai. Mikey barely had enough time to draw his nunchakus from his belt, stumbling backwards from the fierce attack. Again Raph lunged forward this time slashing his sai up towards the orange turtle's chin. Again Mikey tried to dodge, but felt a sharp prick as the sai nicked his jawline.

"Ah! Raph!" he cried indignantly.

This was just a sparring session. Why was his brother going so hard at this? The red turtle didn't respond, instead sweeping his leg low, cutting Mikey's legs from under him. Mind racing Mikey stuck out a hand, vaulting out of his one handed back-spring only to find Raph again pressing forward with a snarl.

Swinging his nunchakus furiously, Mikey desperately fended off his brother's attacks but the light trickle of blood from his jaw unnerved him. Was he really this weak? Would something like this cost his brothers in battle? Would he be their downfall?

Eyes losing focus, Mikey's attacks became sloppy. Fury blazed in Raph's eyes as he watched his brother's mind stray. With a cry, Raph struck a roundhouse kick into Mikey's plastron. He hadn't meant to kick that hard, but Mikey's lack of attention even in the face of a serious opponent made him see red.

Mikey absorbed the kick full-force, flying back and slamming into the dojo wall. The resulting slam covered the cracking sound Mikey felt coming from his ribs. Moaning, he curled around his chest, leaving his weapons forgotten on the ground.

Raph's chest heaved as he looked down at his little brother. Despite his best efforts, the young ninja didn't even bother to defend himself. How was Raph supposed to trust his little brother to survive when they went topside? How could he toughen up the pacifist ninja so he didn't have to worry about him so much?!

"How can you be so WEAK?!" Raph screamed. Frustrated tears pricked his vision. Before the orange turtle could notice, Raph spun on his heel retreating to his room to vent his anger.

Mikey could only whimper as his brother stomped out of the dojo. Raph was right. He was weak. He had to be better. Tougher. He couldn't let his family down. He had to protect them.

Fighting the tears springing to his eyes, Mikey braced a hand against the wall to push himself off the ground. A shooting pain rocked his side and he hissed through his teeth. Plaintively he looked out the dojo door to see if Leo or Don might give him a hand. Finding the living area empty, Mikey let the tears he had been fighting fall.

Slowly, he dragged himself up off the ground, sniffling. As he hobbled back to his room, there was only one thought echoing in Mikey's head.

He was weak.

…

As evening fell, the four brothers prepared to go on their evening patrol. Leo and Don began stretching while Raph worked up a quick sweat at his punching bag. Mikey sat silently on the couch, trying to hide his painful ribs form his brothers.

"Mikey shouldn't you stretch a bit?" Leo asked, sinking into a crouch.

"Oh uh…I did some stretching in my room before I came down," Mikey said with a weak laugh. The pain in his ribs felt like a punch in the gut.

"Let's just go already" Raph said, a light sheen on his skin. He didn't even look at Mikey.

Shaking his head, Leo led the three other turtles from the lair out to the sewers. Something had happened between his two younger brothers, but now wasn't the time to figure it out. He needed his full attention focused on the mission when they went topside.

Mikey was barely keeping up with his brothers, again trying to mask the pain in his side. He could feel a thin layer of sweat already dripping from his brow, but he just gritted his teeth. Raph was still mad at him.

Don's careful gaze took in the sight of his three brothers running ahead. Leo was in leader mode, already focused on what lay ahead. Raph was still angry, the emotion rolling off of him as he ran. Mikey…was Mikey grimacing? Don tried to get a closer look at his brother's face. Yes. Mikey was definitely grimacing. Don frowned. Was it his arm again? Did he actually hit Mikey harder than he thought?

Donnie didn't get a chance to finish the thought as they came to the ladder that would lead them to the surface. The brother's climbed the ladder that lead to the boisterous streets of New York City.

Swiftly they exited the sewers and leapt onto the nearest fire escape, scrambling to the wide-open rooftops. Mikey's breath hitched as the movements strained his injury.

_Keep it together man._

Again Donnie noticed the orange turtle's discomfort.

"Hey Mikey," he said hesitantly. "Are you ok?"

Raph's heated gaze fell back to the two turtles.

Mikey's eyes went wide before brusquely replying, "Yeah dude quit worrying about me."

Donnie shut his mouth with a snap. Since when did Mikey get to be so gruff? Raph turned forward with a snort, and the four turtles took off across the rooftops.

The evening was quiet and the turtles were making good progress on their route. Mikey had so far, managed not to give away his pain, but could tell that his mask was slipping. Holding his arm against his side he continued to run.

Leo's feet pounded across the hard rooftop before leaping over the side, gracefully rolling to his feet on the adjacent roof. Silently his brother's followed him. That is until Mikey landed with a heavy thud before stumbling. Quickly he righted himself, but not before Leo had a chance to see. Looking at his brother confused, Leo wondered why the usually quick and nimble ninja was struggling so hard.

He was about to ask Mikey what was wrong when he felt them. Foot ninja. Whirling around, Leo drew his katanas barking orders.

"Donnie with me. Raph you're with Mikey." He wanted the strong red ninja there for his younger brother. Something wasn't right with Mikey.

As soon as the orders left his mouth the Foot attacked.

Leaping into action the four brothers quickly fell into their pairs. Leo's cool collected fighting fitting flawlessly with Donnie's precise and efficient blows. Together the two brothers cut a swath in the swarm of Foot soldiers, their faces set in grim determination.

Raph and Mikey however, were having problems. Raph's strength had leveled Foot after Foot, and yet Mikey was struggling. For every three that Raph took down, his younger brother could barely take down one. But what really made Raph nervous was his baby brother's silence. The normally joking orange turtle hadn't said a word. Not a single taunt. Instead his brows were knit together in concentration, his focus on his enemy.

With a satisfied grunt, Raph threw another Foot soldier into a wall. Finally his brother was taking this seriously. Seems like their round in the dojo had worked after all.

A new wave of Foot ninja flocked to the battle, and it was all Mikey could do not to groan out loud. His ribs were burning and he was barely keeping up with the few Foot engaged with him already. How was he going to fight off this new horde?

As if they had heard his silent complaint, four Foot Elite leapt into view. Their eyes cold and calculating.

"Guys we need to fall back!" Leo's order cut through the din of fighting.

"What?! Are ya kiddin' me?!"

"_NOW_ Raph!"

Raph growled as his fist connected with a Foot ninja's face. _Just when things were gettin' good._ Reluctantly Raph regrouped with Leo and Donnie, helping fend off a few more careless Foot ninja that got too close.

"Mikey get ova here!" Raph shouted, turning back to his younger brother.

"Be there-ugh-in a minute," Mikey grunted. They were only 30 yards away. 30 agonizingly far yards away. With concerted effort, Mikey was somehow able to throw off the remaining two ninja he had been fighting and began to make his way towards his brother.

"Mikey! Look–!"

Mikey never got to hear the end of Donnie's cry as a heavily armored kick slammed into his side and his world went black.

…..

_"He's gonna get us all killed…" the voice was ringing. Mikey looked for the source in the inky black surrounding him_

_"No! I won't be weak! I promise!" he cried out to nobody._

_"One bruise and his focus goes to shell," the voice mocked cruelly._

_"No I won't let that happen! I won't!"_

_"If you want to protect this family…._

_"Yes! Yes I do! I would do anything to protect them!"_

_"The ya gotta be TOUGH!"_

Mikey woke with a start, pain lancing through his side. Was he still dreaming? Slowly he blinked his eyes, but the blackness was not receding. Gingerly he sat up, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the darkness. The clink of chains brought him painfully to the forefront of consciousness.

_What?_

The chains on his wrists were thick and heavy, pulling his arms above his head. The ache in his shoulders told him he had been there for a while before he came to. His ribs were throbbing…or was that his heart? Fear crept like tendrils of smoke around him, smothering him. Where was he? What happened? Where were his brothers?

The clank of metal was the only warning Mikey got before light flooded the dark room. Cringing, Mikey tried to cover his eyes from the obtrusive light, his shoulders groaning in protest.

"So turtle, you finally woke up."

Mikey's head snapped towards the voice, his heart dropping into his stomach.

_Hun._

"Can't believe how easy it was to catch you," the giant rumbled. "Who knew you were so weak?"

Mikey felt as if he had been slapped. After trying so hard, he still managed to get himself captured….and his brothers?!

"If you lay a hand on my family…"

The giant roared in laughter.

"You'll do what little turtle? Shake your chains at me?"

Mikey could feel angry tears forming behind his mask. No. He wouldn't give Hun the satisfaction. Growling he glared at the massive human, hoping to cover his pain and humiliation.

"Hahaa- oh man I haven't laughed like that in awhile," Hun said, slapping a hand to his forehead still chuckling. "But no stupid turtle, the one you should be worrying about is you."

Without warning, Hun landed a vicious kick into Mikey's side. Doubling over the orange turtle wheezed and gasped, the chains biting into his wrists as he struggled for breath.

"You _will_ talk turtle," Hun spat, grabbing Mikey by the back of his shell. His foul breath huffing into Mikey's face. "You will tell us where your brothers are, or you will wish you were never born."

Throwing the wounded terrapin against the wall, Hun turned and slammed the heavy metal door behind him, leaving Mikey once again in darkness.

One small thought gave Mikey comfort, as his breathing came in ragged gasps.

_They don't know where my brothers are._

…

Raphael watched in horror as the Foot Elite had landed a devastating blow to Mikey's side. The red turtle had expected his baby brother to follow right behind him when he had gone to Leo and Donnie. Only now did he realize his terrible mistake.

With a roar Raph leapt forward to protect the fallen form of his brother, but was brought up short by a new wave of Foot soldiers. An animalistic cry rent from his throat as he manically began to mow down all in his path.

_Mikey!_

He vaguely was aware of Donnie and Leo jumping into the fray beside him, each savagely cutting their way through the mass of Foot ninja. But it seemed for every one they defeated, two more would take their place. Raph could only watch as the Foot Elite bent down and scooped Mikey up. Throwing the unconscious turtle over his shoulder.

"Put him down ya damn strawhead!" Raph yelled at the Foot Elite. Without even a backward glance the villain began racing across rooftops, quickly vanishing into the shadows.

"NO!" Raph's anger finally broke past the boiling point. His anger fueled his actions, no longer those of a ninja, but of a protective brother fighting tooth and nail to get to his sibling.

But even with his new efforts, the waves of Foot Ninja wouldn't decrease. Severely outnumbered Leo had to make the agonizing choice.

"Raph!" he cried, deflecting yet another Foot blade. "We have to retreat!"

Raphael whirled towards his blue brother. Surely the leader was joking.

"There are too many of them!" Leo yelled, flipping a ninja over his carapace. "We have to fall back!"

"Have you lost your _MIND_ Leo?!" Raph screamed. "They got Mikey!"

"We can't do anything for him if we end up caught too!" Leo yelled back. "Or worse!"

Raph's vision saw red at the thought of running away. Those nutjobs had his brother. Like shell was he going to run away!

As he turned to once again throw himself at the wall of Foot ninja, he felt a three-fingered hand on his arm. Donnie gripped tightly shaking his head at his hothead brother. Raph moved to shake him off, but Don's grip was like iron. It was then Raph noticed the unshed tears in Don's eyes. Gripping his sai tight, Raph swore violently as he and his brothers turned to race away over the rooftops, away from the swarm of Foot ninja.

_I will find you Mikey. _He vowed silently. _No matter what, I **will** find you._


	2. Tough Chapter 2

Rated T: Violence, torture, gore

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>Mikey shivered against the cold wall of his cell. Unable to bring his arms around himself to try and keep warm, his body was quickly losing valuable warmth. He knew for sure his ribs were broken, and the small trickle of blood down his arms told him how raw his wrists were from the biting metal of the manacles. Drawing his legs up to his chest, Mikey tried to find solace in sleep.<p>

Just as he thought the darkness would finally swallow him, his cell door swung open. Shutting his eyes before he was once again blinded, Mikey strained to hear who had entered. Great thudding footsteps told him Hun had made another appearance. Cracking his eyes open, Mikey glanced at the giant. Something was in his hands, and Mikey didn't like the way the gruesome human was smiling.

"I've brought you a present turtle," he said smiling. He held up the item in his hands so Mikey could see. A lump formed at the back of Mikey's throat when he saw what Hun had.

It was a metal collar with long cruel spikes that were turned inwards to pierce the wearer. Mikey began to shake. Hun wasn't going to actually use that thing on him was he? Hun reached down to grab Mikey as his feet frantically scrambled to push himself away from the domineering giant. Huns rough hand grabbed Mikey's wrists still trapped in the manacles, pinning the young turtle to the wall.

"Now now turtle," the man said, as if reprimanding a child. "You shouldn't move around too much. You might hurt yourself."

Landing a fierce punch to the top of Mikey's plastron, the young turtle felt his body go limp as the huge man quickly fastened the collar around his neck. Instantly the spikes pressed into Mikey's tender flesh, not quite breaking the skin. Mikey knew however, that those same spikes would gouge into him should he put pressure anywhere on the collar. Trying to keep his neck straight, Mikey struggled to breathe.

Hun laughed at his pathetic display.

"There you go turtle," the man chuckled to himself. "Don't you look pretty."

Mikey glared up at the human and spat. It seemed like something Raph would do. Angrily, Hun's hand whipped across Mikey's face, snapping the young turtle's head to the side. The spikes in the collar drove into his neck.

Hun grinned as the turtle let out a shriek of pain, pulling desperately at his restraints to reach for his bleeding neck. The spikes wouldn't kill him…yet. Still grinning the man left the bleeding terrapin in darkness.

Mikey's eyes swam with tears, bleeding in the dark. The spikes had dug into his neck, and without the use of his hands, there was no way to dislodge them. Whimpering Mikey tried to sit up straighter, earning himself another spear of pain lancing his ribs leaving him gasping.

Slowly bringing his ragged breathing under control Mikey braced himself against the pain, setting his mouth into a grim line. No matter what he had to fight this. He would protect his family.

As exhaustion found the orange ninja, Mikey felt his eyes droop and eagerly sought out the blissful oblivion of sleep. His head began to fall to his chest, as the cruel spikes again dug into the tender flesh of his neck. Jerking fully awake Mikey's eyes went wide at the sudden pain.

Now he knew what the collar was really for.

…

Donnie could feel the circles under his eyes growing deeper. He had been in his lab for the past three days trying to find a way to track down their missing baby brother. Donnie rubbed his eyes tiredly, but the guilt wouldn't let him sleep. He had known something was wrong with Mikey, and yet he had failed to do anything about it. Tapping away at his computer, Donnie frantically threw himself into his self-prescribed punishment. He would not rest until Mikey was home.

Once again the purple turtle tried to crack into the Shredder's mainframe. Looking for anything that might lead them to Mikey. But firewall after firewall had come crashing down any time he got close. The effect was taking its toll on the brilliant turtle.

Leo watched his genius brother from the door of the lab. The purple turtle's shoulders were hunched over the keys of his computer, the muscles bunched in tight knots. Don had been there for days, only eating when Leo forced him to. Glancing behind him, Leo took in the form of his uncharacteristically quiet red-masked brother. Raph sat on the couch, head in hands, all anger spent.

When they had first gotten back to the lair the night Mikey was taken, Raph had nearly taken Leo's head off, screaming about how he had failed in noticing that Mikey needed help. It wasn't until the anger had slipped away that Raph confessed that he was angry with himself. Angry that he had ignored Mikey, and after more prodding from Donnie and Leo, that he may have been the reason Mikey was having trouble fighting that night. He recounted how he had sparred with Mikey, and blasted a kick into the younger turtle at full force. He hadn't meant to hurt him. He only wanted his younger brother to get tougher. To be safe.

Leo cringed when he had heard Mikey might have been hurt when sparring with Raph. He had let the hothead have his way and hadn't tried to temper Raph's anger before facing their youngest brother. And now because of his lack of judgment, Mikey had been taken.

Leo stiffly pushed off the doorframe and began walking towards Donnie. The purple turtle flinched as Leo laid a hand on his shoulder. The genius looked even worse close up.

"Come on Don," Leo said gently. "You need to get some rest."

Donnie pulled his arm from Leo's grasp. Turning back to his computer, he wiped his moistened eyes with the back of his hand.

"I can't do that Leo," Donnie mumbled, his fingers again clacking against the keys of his computer. "I can't just sleep when Mikey is out there with those…those…psychopaths."

Leo sighed silently. He knew how Don felt. After searching for Mikey for days, all they could do was regroup at the lair and try and think of new ways to find their lost brother. But they couldn't do that when they were pushed to the brink of exhaustion.

"Don, you and I both know that without our minds and our bodies at our best, we would be doing a disservice to Mikey" Leo lapsed into logic, hoping to convince the brainy turtle. "If we push ourselves too hard, we may miss something really important."

Leo held his breath as Donnie contemplated what he had said. After what seemed like an eternity, Don let out an exhausted sigh.

"All right Leo," he whispered, slowly rising to his feet. "But only for a few hours."

As he moved away from his desk, the world tilted before Don's eyes. Swiftly, Leo caught his brother mid-swoon and put an arm under his shoulders.

"Come on Don," he said quietly. "Just a short rest, and we'll try again."

Arm in arm, the two brothers exited the lab and made their weary way to Don's room.

Raph watched as his brothers walked into Don's room. Seeing Don's weak and tired form only added to his guilt. Not only had he been the reason Mikey got taken, he was also useless in helping find him. The weight of that had fallen to Donnie, and he couldn't even help the genius when he so desperately needed it. Raph leaned forward on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees. Holding his head in his hands, Raph kept replaying that day over and over.

Mikey's grimace as they fought off the Foot. His wide eyes full of fear when he had realized they were separated. His limp form collapsed on the roof. Raph felt his stomach twist as he relived each moment. How had it gone so wrong?

His breaths started coming in short ragged gasps. What little control he was clinging to was crumbling. He could feel his body shaking but couldn't make it stop. _Mikey's gone…_His body shook even harder. _It's my fault._ His lungs couldn't get enough air. _I did this!_ He was choking!

"Raph!"

Strong arms wrapped themselves around the violently shaking turtle. Leo had just come from Don's room only to see his normally strong and proud brother gasping for air. The image shook Leo to his core. Seeing such a vulnerable side of his brother was rare, and in this case dangerous.

"Calm down Raph. Come on. Breathe with me," Leo begged, taking great gulps of air to encourage his younger brother. The rise and fall of Leo's chest seemed to affect the red turtle as his breaths came in longer, slowing down until his lungs could finally fill themselves again. Still shaking, Raph clung to his blue-banded brother. Silent tears stained his mask as he sobbed into Leo's plastron. Leo tucked the red ninja closer, softly stroking the worn and battered carapace of his brother.

"S'all my fault Leo," Raph whimpered. "I did this…._I_ did this."

Slowly Leo drew back to look into the pain-filled eyes of his younger brother.

"Now you listen to me Raphael Hamato," he said firmly. "This is _not_ your fault."

Placing both hands on Raph's shoulders, Leo continued.

"What happened has affected us all," he said, "But taking the blame for events that were beyond our control will serve no purpose other than to break us."

Raph turned his eyes away in shame.

"I could have controlled my anger."

"And Michelangelo could have controlled his focus more in training," Leo countered.

Raph's eyes snapped back to the leader.

"There were so many things that led to this point that were beyond what one turtle could control," Leo said, pulling Raph into another hug. "The thing that matters most now, is that we work together to fix this. Together we will find our brother."

…

It had been hours since Mikey slept. No…not hours. Days? Still locked in his pitch-black cell Mikey no longer knew. The collar had done its job well, digging into his neck whenever he tried to lay his head down to sleep. The spikes had on more than one occasion dug much deeper into his flesh, as the need for sleep slowly drove the young turtle mad.

What little he was fed could barely be swallowed as the motion once again drove the spikes deeper. How much blood had he lost? Why was he so cold? Was he blind?

Hun had shown himself several times. Mostly to beat the young ninja still chained to the icy cell wall. Always with the same questions.

Where are your brothers? Where is your home? What do your brothers know?

Mikey had resolutely clamped his mouth shut. That is until Hun's blows wrenched pained screams from his raw throat. But even as the pain had him on the brink, Mikey refused to tell the giant man anything. Every time the great man left with a scowl on his face, Mikey couldn't help the small smile on his face.

The collar shifted slightly and Mikey jerked awake once again. He had been so close to sleep that time. So close to sweet oblivion. Tears streaked down his bloodied face as despair washed over him.

Suddenly the cell door opened with a bang. Mikey curled in on himself waiting for the blow that did not come. Rather, Hun's giant hands rose above the battered turtle, and after a great deal of clanking, Mikey could feel slack in the chains that still bound his wrists. Hun had taken them off the wall and was now using them to drag the turtle out of the cell. Mikey thrashed weakly, desperately trying to wrest his chains free, but Hun held them tight.

As he was dragged Mikey felt the collar dig into his neck. Gritting his teeth, Mikey tried his best to keep his neck straight. Finally emerging from the long hallway, Hun flung Mikey into the center of what looked to be an abandoned warehouse. Frantically Mikey looked for a way to escape. There were no guards to speak of. High up near the ceiling there were dusty windows. All these opportunities, and Mikey could do nothing with his battered and bloodied body.

Weakly Mikey looked back at Hun who stood off to the side grinning, his eyes fixed just beyond where Mikey lay. Mikey tried to follow his gaze, but the collar once again dug into his shredded neck, making his breath come in short gasps. Hun moved forward and roughly grabbed Mikey's chains once again, dragging him forward. He grabbed Mikey by the back of his shell and threw the young turtle into what looked like a giant metal vice. Mikey felt the two cold metal plates put pressure on his carapace and plastron as Hun tightened the device.

"You ever hear of a nutcracker, turtle?" Hun asked, his eyes gleaming with twisted glee. Mikey remained silent, his feet hanging off the ground as the plates tightened. If he made a sound now, he wasn't sure he would be able to stop screaming.

"You see, you put a nut between two sides of a nutcracker and squeeze until the shell breaks," Hun continued. "Pretty neat right?"

Mikey's eyes went wide. _Please God tell me he's not thinking of…_

Hun tightened the vice and Mikey felt his shell creak and groan under the pressure.

"This here is my personal nutcracker," Hun boomed. "Or I guess in this case, turtle cracker."

Again the vice tightened. A strange popping sound was drowned out by Mikey's scream, as his ribs snapped. Hun's laugh echoed through the empty warehouse. Mikey's face streamed with tears.

"Now turtle, you and I are going to have a little chat," Hun said. "And every time you don't answer me, this lever here gets a turn, and we get to hear all the lovely sounds your shell makes when it's crushed."

Mikey fought to regain control of his senses as wave after wave of pain radiated through his body. He felt himself slipping into the blackness of unconsciousness.

Dimly, Michelangelo could hear a cheesy ringtone cut through the darkness and had the oddest hope that his T-phone had somehow made it past Hun. He awoke to searing pain as cold water washed over him, leaving an intense burn in his wounds, his scream echoing off the dirty warehouse walls. Shuddering and shaking his eyes tried to focus on the looming figure in front of him. Hun had his phone in the crook of his neck, both hands holding an empty bucket.

"Do you like the salt water turtle?" he sneered. "Not to worry, these warehouses are right by the docks so we have plenty."

Dropping the empty bucket, Hun turned, taking the phone away from his ear.

"Damn telemarketers," he mumbled, hanging up.

Turning back, Hun reached for Mikey, causing the orange turtle to thrash in an attempt to escape. Roughly Hun grabbed Mikey's head. What was he doing? Mikey was helpless as the meaty hands reached for his neck. There was a small clink of a key turning and Mikey felt the collar loosen. With a brutal yank, Hun dislodged the collar from Mikey's swollen neck, letting the blood run freely from the shredded flesh.

"Just so you don't get any ideas," Hun growled. "Wouldn't want you to kill yourself too soon."

Mikey couldn't answer, letting his neck finally go slack after so many days of constant rigidity. His wounds wept in protest but the young turtle didn't have the energy to care. Another splash of sea water had the turtle screaming as the salt burned his tender injuries.

"Now," Hun said menacingly. "Why don't you tell me where your brothers are?"


	3. Tough Chapter 3

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for all of the great feedback and reviews on this story! I can't thank you all enough :) That being said this is the final chapter and I hope you all enjoy it!

Rated T: Violence, torture, gore

Donnie had been at it for over a week now. He had tried every algorithm, every backdoor, every line of code to find their missing brother. And yet there had been nothing. Not one thing that could lead him to his baby brother. Angry tears threatened to fall from behind his purple mask, but he roughly brushed them away. There was no time for tears. With renewed fervor he bent over his keyboard typing furiously.

Raph had taken to searching the city with Leo. Neither brother was of much use to Donnie is his lab, so rather than wait, they took to the streets, reporting in to Donnie with any leads they might find. But so far nothing had turned up, and the brothers were growing desperate.

This night was no different. As Donnie waited to hear in from his older brothers, the tension that had been mounting almost seemed to suffocate the lair. Just when Donnie thought he should join his brothers, his T-phone began to ring. Frantically he snatched it to his ear.

"Did you find him?" he asked a bit breathless.

"No Don," Leo's voice sounded defeated. "We just ran into some Purple Dragons causing trouble."

Don let his breath out, crushed.

"But we did hear something odd," Leo said. "Before we took them down they had been complaining about Hun. Saying how he never seemed to be around lately and was out of touch. Something about a project of his."

Donnie frowned. A project? What kind of project could _Hun_ be doing?

"All right Leo," Don said. "Why don't you guys head home for tonight? It's nearly dawn."

"All right Donnie," Leo's said beaten. "We'll see you soon."

The line went dead as Leo and Raph made their way back to the lair. Donnie leaned back in his chair, letting his head loll back to look at the ceiling. He was missing something he knew it. Don ran a hand across his face, trying to wipe the exhaustion and tension away. He had to think clearly if he had any hope of tracking Mikey down.

…_Track?_

Don's head snapped forward. Of course! Track! He began hitting the keys of his computer in a frenzied rush. He had tried to trace Mikey's T-phone with no success, but it had never occurred to him to trace the phones of his enemies. With a new hope fueling him, Don began making a list of all potential enemy targets to trace and hack. And right at the top of his list was Hun.

Raph and Leo ran through the sewers, neither saying a word. They didn't have to. They could both feel the weight of their missing brother in the silence that passed between them. As they approached the lair they slowed to a crawl. The quiet that now reigned was just another painful reminder of the loss of their cheerful sibling.

Heads hung low, Raph and Leo moved towards the dojo to hang up their weapons. As they lay their hands upon the shoji door, they heard a cry from Donatello's lab. Like lightning the two brothers sprinted to their purple brother.

"Donnie! What is it?" Leo asked anxiously. Raphael's fists clenched as he waited for the genius turtle to explain his outcry.

"Guys, I think I may have a way to find Mikey!" Don said. His eyes shone with a new energy and hope that had been absent from his face for so long.

"Ya did?! How?!"

Don whirled back to his computer.

"I know we tried tracing Mikey's T-phone and got nothing. I've been trying to access Shredder's mainframe and every time I get close I get shut out. But accessing a cell network wouldn't be nearly as difficult. I can use the mobile phones of our enemies to listen in and find Mikey!"

"That's great Don," Leo said. "But who would you hack? I'm pretty sure the Shredder doesn't carry around a cell phone."

Don turned to his blue brother.

"No, he doesn't. But he isn't who I want to track first."

Raph looked at Don quizzically. Who else would be able to tell them where Mikey was?

"Well who didja have in mind?" Raph asked.

"When you told me about those Purple Dragons complaining about Hun, it got me to thinking," Don said.

"Boy is _that_ a surprise…"Raph grunted.

"Shush!" Leo glared at the hothead. Don continued.

"Hun has never been one to distance himself from the operations going on in the streets, and it seems really odd that he wouldn't be around. Then you said that they were saying he was working on a "project" that kept him busy. I don't know about you guys, but that sounds pretty promising to me."

Raph remained silent, gripping the sides of Don's desk until his knuckles were white. Leo leaned forward looking at the information dancing across Don's computer screen.

"Do it Don. Find our little brother."

Don nodded his head and began.

Brow furrowed in concentration Donnie ran over the data on his screen. The information was all there. Now all he had to do was find the right…

"Got it!" he said triumphantly. "Let's give Hun a call and see what he's up to."

Raph and Leo stood by silently as Don worked his way through the cell's data, holding their breath as it began to ring.

There was a click as the phone was answered, but rather than being greeted with a "hello," the brothers heard a bloodcurdling scream. All three felt their blood run cold. They knew whose voice that was.

"Do you like the salt water turtle?"

Raph could taste the bile in his mouth as Hun taunted his little brother.

"Not to worry, these warehouses are right by the docks, so we have plenty."

Don could only sit in shock at the horrors he had just heard. This maniac had his little brother. He was hurting him! Leo's gaze bored a hole into the computer as his worst fears were confirmed. Mikey was being tortured.

The silence held for what seemed an eternity.

"Damn telemarketers," Hun muttered before the line went dead.

Silence again filled Don's lab.

"Where," Raph whispered venomously.

Don blinked slowly, looking at the screens. Hun was near the docks at the western edge of the city.

"He's at the docks by 41st and 12th," Don said quietly. "I don't know which-"

He never got a chance to finish before Raphael had bolted from the lair, his sais already in his hands.

_I'm comin' Mikey. You hang in there. I'm comin' little bro._

…

Mikey's shell was a mess. After what had seemed like hours of questioning, Hun had tightened the vice gripping his shell, laughing as each miniscule crack started to grow across his plastron.

"Not bad turtle," Hun grinned. "I didn't think you would put up this much of a fight."

Mikey could only hang his head, trying desperately to remain conscious. Every time he didn't, Hun had splashed more salt water on him to wake him again.

"Go…to hell, Hun," he whispered.

Hun's grin vanished, and once again, the vice was tightened. Mikey could feel the myriad of cracks he had accumulated groan, and suddenly a great fissure streaked across the top of his plastron. Mikey didn't remember screaming. The pain had all but blotted out his other senses. All he could do was focus on the agony of his chest.

"You might want to reconsider your position, _turtle!_" Hun spat. Mikey hung limply from the vice. Hun stepped away from the tightening handle and came in close to the wounded terrapin.

"You can make this end you know," Hun said in a low voice. "You can make this all go away…if you tell me where your brothers are."

_The pain would stop? I can go?_

Slowly the orange ninja raised his head, looking into the flat black eyes of the monstrous human.

_"__Protect this family"_

"Wh-what?" Mikey whispered. Where had that voice come from?

"I said you can make this end turtle," Hun said.

_"__Protect."_

"My family…" Mikey said quietly.

"That's right turtle," Hun continued. "Tell me where they are and this all goes away."

_"__Ya gotta be TOUGH!"_

Mikey's lips stretched into a weak grin.

"You got it Raph," he chuckled weakly.

Hun yanked back from the young turtle. His patience had never been one of his strong suits and as much as he enjoyed torturing the young turtle, he was not getting any results. Angrily he struck Mikey's face, getting even angrier when the ninja remained silent. Not even a whimper passed his lips.

Hun looked down at the turtle's shell. The top portion on the right side had a great crack running across it, the only thing holding it in place was the turtle's skin. Hun's already black eyes darkened even further. One way or another he was going to get results.

"You've pushed too far turtle," he said quietly, walking up to Mikey once again. "You could have finished this, but you've forced my hand."

He reached out grasping the top of Mikey's plastron. The turtle jerked beneath his giant hand, but with the other, Hun grabbed the terrapin's shoulder.

Feeling the dangerous hands on him made Mikey shiver with fear. He knew Hun was capable of terrible things, but this time was different. His eyes betrayed something darker and far more sinister.

"If you do not tell me where your brothers are hiding," Hun threatened. "I will rip you right out of your shell."

Mikey's mouth went dry. He couldn't mean that. He wouldn't actually…

"Where?" Hun growled.

Mikey couldn't think. He knew what Hun had threatened to do. The thought of being torn apart terrified him. And yet his family...

_Tough._

Mikey tilted his head back and closed his eyes.

With a snarl Hun used his monstrous strength to pull at Mikey's plastron.

_PAIN!_

Mikey screamed, jerking violently as the sharp and piercing pain washed over him. It was so much worse than he had imagined. The skin attached to his plastron stretched as Hun's hands pulled, sending shockwaves of misery through the young turtle. Nothing could have prepared him for this.

Suddenly there was an odd squelching noise, and the pain that had wracked Mikey's frame became white-hot as the skin attached to the top of Mikey's plastron started to rip free. Mikey's scream tore through another octave before his eyes rolled back, desperately trying to escape into unconsciousness.

"YOU WILL ANSWER ME TURTLE!" Hun's voice boomed.

It almost carried over the crashing of glass as Raphael, Donatello and Leonardo burst through the windows of the abandoned warehouse.

...

Leo quickly followed Raphael as he streaked through the sewers. He and Don had barely been able to keep up with the breakneck speed of the red ninja. Not that Leo could blame him. The joy of finding Mikey was marred by the horrific screams they had heard from their younger brother.

Leo could still hear Mikey's cry of pain ringing in his ears. Narrowing his gaze, the blue ninja grit his teeth. Hun was going to pay dearly tonight. Hun and all the Foot clan. Leo lengthened his stride, pulling up alongside Raph.

Donnie held the tracker out keeping an eye on the tracer that was Hun's phone. He had calibrated the tracker from only focusing on their T-phones to following the human's phone as well. He hoped that the closer they got the more accurate the reading. Most of this was done in a rush after Raph had run from the lair. Donnie kept running over the small clues that Hun's call had given them.

He knew they were in a warehouse, but knowing the docks, there were dozens that could potentially be used in secrecy. But Hun had also mentioned salt water being close-by. That meant they were right on the water. Mentally he shaved off another twenty warehouses, narrowing down the possibilities to less than ten. He hoped that even just this small amount of information would get Mikey out of there that much sooner.

Time seemed to crawl as they wound there way through the tunnels. By the time they had finally made it topside, Raph could barely keep his composure. Hearing Mikey scream like that tore at his heart. This was his worst nightmare. He was supposed to be the protector and all he could do was try and get to Mikey before anything worse was done to him.

_It shoulda been ME screamin'!_ Raph raged at himself. _ I'm supposed ta take the beatings. Why'd it have to be __**him**__?!_

Finally, the three brothers made it to the docks. Don glanced nervously at his tracker, scanning for a more accurate reading. Swiftly they ran down between the numerous warehouses, hardly making a sound. Most of the warehouses were chained shut with rusted locks. It was clear no one had been there in a very long time. Again Donnie swept his tracer around. The beacon from Hun's cell phone was weak, but getting stronger.

"I think it's one of those," Don said pointing to three warehouses at the end of the dock. Two had lights on while the third remained dark.

The three turtles sped off towards the abandoned buildings. The pulse from Donnie's tracker beat stronger and stronger. Finally they made it to the end of the dock. The brothers looked for a way in, but all doors were chained and boarded shut. Frustrated Leo looked around. His eyes flicked to the windows high above them, a small grin crossing his face.

"Nowhere to go but up," he said to the other two. Sheathing his blades, Leo took a few steps back before launching himself at the warehouse wall, pushing off it to leap to another wall, like an intense game of hopscotch. Raph and Don followed suit, bouncing higher and higher, until they could grab the lip of the roof and swing themselves up.

_Which one is it?!_ Don thought, exasperated. The pulse was much stronger but couldn't pinpoint exactly which of the three warehouses the signal was coming from. Raph paced beside Donnie, waves of pure fury rolling off his shoulders. Leo moved forward to Don, about to ask where to head next when they heard the scream.

Without a word, all three brothers leapt towards the windows of the unlit warehouse, weapons ready to tear into Mikey's tormentor.

….

Hun stood still grasping Mikey's shell when the windows shattered. Mikey's blood poured thickly over his hands. Finally registering what had caused the glass to break, Hun relinquished his grip on the small orange turtle, his lips curving into a cruel smile. His real prey was here.

Raph tucked into a roll as he hit the floor, deftly spinning to his feet, sai in hand, ready for a fight. What he wasn't ready for was seeing Mikey. His little brother sagged in the giant metal arms of some machine, blood pooling beneath the small turtle. Raph couldn't tear his eyes from the gruesome sight, frozen in place as if the slightest movement might cause his sanity to break.

"MIKEY!"

Don's anguished cry cut the cold air like a knife. Receiving no response from his little brother Don's normally organized mind was thrown into chaos. When he was upset he would always turn to cold calculating logic to get through it, but this time was different. How could this be logical? How could something so horrible happening to someone as innocent as Mikey be logical?!

Donnie turned to look at Leo, almost begging for the blue leader to make sense of all this. Shock raked across Donnie's face. The blue turtle stood as if he had turned to stone. No. Not stone. Steel. Cold steel. His muscles stood taut beneath his leaf green skin, and his eyes shone with a cold anger that Donnie had never seen before. Those eyes scared him.

"So the rest of the turtles have come out to play?" Hun chuckled derisively. "Good. I was getting tired of my last toy."

Hun never saw the blade that sliced his neck. Indeed his face still held the mocking smile as his head rolled across the floor. As the great body collapsed, twitching on the floor, Leo sheathed his bloody katana. The monster was dead.

It took only a moment for the other two brothers to regain themselves and rush to Mikey. As Don quickly turned the lever to release the metal plates, Raph caught Mikey's battered and bloody form in his arms. He held back the bile in his throat when he felt the warm sticky blood that now coated his arms.

Gently he lowered Mikey to the ground, never breaking contact. Whispering meaningless words and soft sounds of comfort, Raph brought Mikey to his lap.

Don stared at his red masked brother so tenderly holding Mikey, as if he was made of glass. Slowly he lowered himself beside the two, taking a closer look at Mikey's horrific injuries, with Leo silently staring beside them. Gently, Don's hand drifted over his brother's plastron, taking in the hundreds of minute cracks and the one gaping fissure across the top. Looking to the young ninja's neck, Donnie felt his skin crawl at the shredded flesh. His hand drifted over the bloody mess, trailing down. It was when his hand grazed the skin meant to connect to the plastron that Mikey's eyes flew open and a strangled gasp escaped his lips.

"Mikey!" Raph cried. "It's ok bro. It's ok. We got you. You're safe"

Drawing in a rattling breath, Mikey's lidded eyes cracked open.

"Raph?" he whispered.

"I'm here Mikey. I'm here bro." Raph gently clasped Mikey's hand in his own.

"Raph…I d-didn't tell them anything. I didn't-" Mikey coughed as the blood in his throat choked him, drawing in a rattling breath.

"I know ya didn't." Raph desperately tried to assure him. "I know it hurts Mikey, we're gonna-"

"idosn' hurt," the orange turtle said quietly.

Raph's face went blank as his gut twisted.

"Ya don't have ta pretend Mikey, it's ok if it hurts."

"Idosn' hurt," Mikey whispered. Raph's arms began to shake. Mikey could feel the tremble in Raph's hand that clasped his own.

"Raph?" he asked weakly, straining to look into his brother's eyes. "Was I tough Raph?"

A sob rocked Raph's body, as tears began to stream from behind his red mask.

"Yeah Mikey," he said, cradling the limp Mikey to his chest. "You were tough."


	4. Feel Chapter 1

**Here it is! The next part to the shortfic Tough! I had originally meant for this fic to end after three chapters, but people kept telling me that I should continue. Well...if you guys insist. Hope you all enjoy the first installment of this sequel "Feel!" Let me know what you think **

Donnie worked mutely on the prone form of his little brother. It had been unnerving seeing the once jubilant and boisterous turtle now silent as death.

Again, Don played the scene over in his head. He and his brothers bursting through the warehouse windows to see Hun's grasping his little brother. Ripping the young ninja apart with his bare and bloody hands. Seeing how his brother's body hung limply from the great vice that was crushing his shell like it was made of papier-mâché. Watching as Raphael gently held their wounded brother, wrenching great tears from the otherwise hotheaded turtle. It was like watching both brothers shatter before his very eyes.

Don shook his head, brushing hot tears that threatened to spill from behind his mask angrily away. Now was not the time to be distracted by emotions. He needed to focus on the myriad of wounds the injured ninja had accumulated. He had to make his brother whole again. Turning, Don grabbed the metal plates he had sterilized before the operation. There was no salvaging the damage done to the sensitive plastron. His only choice was to replace the shattered cartilage with something stronger. Gritting his teeth, Donnie set to work.

_Stay with me Mikey._ He silently pleaded. _Be tough for just a little bit longer._

…..

Anxiously Raph paced outside of Don's lab. Leo had tried to get the restless ninja to rest and clean Mikey's blood off in a hot shower, but the red-banded turtle staunchly refused to leave the closed door hiding his grievously injured brother behind it. Don insisted that the rest of the family leave him to work on Mikey, and it was only after Don forcibly removed him that Raph accepted this order. Like a great cat, Raph paced back and forth, eyes anxiously darting to the door. It was killing him not knowing what was happening.

It had been touch and go, getting Mikey out of that horror house Hun had, and back to the safety of their lair. Raph cradled Mikey in his arms, feeling a sharp ache in his heart each time Mikey's battered body spasmed. No matter how gently Raph tried to hold the orange turtle, the hurt on Mikey's face was visible. But it was the silence from his little brother that tore into Raph's soul. Not once did the orange turtle cry out, or even whimper despite the obvious pain he was in.

Raph continued to pace, his fists nervously clenched at his sides as if clinging to what little hope he had left.

Leo quietly watched Raph, trying to wrap his head around the emotions rolling off the emerald turtle. When they had returned to the lair, both Raph and Don immediately moved Mikey to Don's lab with mirrored looks of fear. As they carried Mikey away, Master Splinter emerged from his room, his dark eyes flicking quickly between his sons. Leo explained what happened to Splinter whom, despite his fur, visibly blanched. His youngest son had suffered greatly, and his anger and sadness threatened to overwhelm him. Stiffly, he nodded, and then went to his room to meditate and wait for his genius son to emerge with news of his youngest.

Leo would have done the same, but his need to be close to his brothers overrode that desire with a searing heat. Everyone was just too fragile. Still watching Raphael, Leo slowly removed his katana from his back, soundlessly unsheathing the blades. Hun's blood marred the metal, and had begun to dry in a dark sticky crimson. Leo's eyes narrowed as he tried to recall just what had happened in the darkness of the abandoned warehouse. When they landed on the warehouse floor, he had seen the horrors that Hun had inflicted upon Mikey. It made the blue-banded turtle's blood boil. Hun had been saying something, but all Leo could remember was white-hot anger lancing through his body, then Hun's head rolling across the dirty floor. The sick smile still plastered on his face.

Leo closed his eyes, drawing a deep breath, hoping to calm the wave of fury still rolling in his chest. The death of Hun had been far too quick for his liking. The man deserved to suffer. He deserved to feel the pain he had wrenched through Mikey a hundredfold. He deserved- Leo jerked back to reality, his knuckles white as he gripped the handles of his katana. His anger would do nothing for his brothers now. He had killed the man, and that would be enough…for now. Grabbing the cloth he had laid out next to himself, Leo began to clean the dark stain from his swords.

…

_Mikey lay in the quiet blackness. It wasn't a crushing darkness, but a rather comforting one, like floating deep beneath the ocean. Drifting gently, he breathed slowly, focusing on the great calm that had enveloped him. Dimly he heard voices, muffled in the deep abyss._

_"Was I tough Raph?"_

_"Yeah Mikey…you were tough."_

_Mikey smiled. He had done it! He had protected his family. Despite the fear, despite the pain, he had won. Raph wouldn't have to worry, and Leo wouldn't have to cover for him. Donnie would be safe._

_And he was free._

_Sinking deeper into the blackness, Mikey felt himself slip away._

"NO!"

Donnie felt the sweat that formed on his brow freeze on his skin. The flatline blaring from the monitor pierced his mind as he struggled to revive his brother. He had just gotten Mikey back. Like hell he was going to lose him now!

Don's hand snaked across his the instruments laid out in front of him, grabbing the syringe he had prepared earlier. He had hoped that he wouldn't need the shot of adrenaline, but now he was silently thanking whatever god was out there that he had prepped it anyways. Ironically, the portion of plastron that Hun had tried to rip off made easy access for Don to plunge the needle straight to Mikey's heart. Pressing down on the plunger, Don waited as the adrenaline was forced into Mikey's system.

After a few agonizing seconds, Mikey drew in a ragged gasp, and his chest began to rise and fall in a regular rhythm. Don could have wept with relief. But he couldn't afford himself even that small moment of reprieve. Setting his jaw, Don forced himself to finish the job of piecing his brother together.

…

After several hours dragged past, the door to the lab slowly creaked open. Don emerged, the exhaustion clear on his face, but was made even more evident as his knees buckled beneath him making him pitch forward. Quickly Raph caught the genius, carefully supporting the purple masked turtle. Gently he guided Don to the couch, trying not to let his anxiety get the better of him and bombard his brother with questions. Gratefully, Don took a few deep breaths, steadying himself against Raph's arm before looking to his two older brothers.

"H-he's still not out of the woods, but he's stable," Don said softly. Despite the shaking in his voice, he pushed on. "I almost l-lost him a few times…but thankfully we still had some of the emergency supplies April got for us last month. Without them Mikey might have…"

As Don trailed off, Raph's heart clenched tightly. They had come so close to losing their little brother. Without a word, he stood and walked purposefully towards Don's lab, pushing the heavy door aside.

The only sounds to be heard in the silence, were the robotic whirrs and beeping of the monitors and machines hooked into the young turtle. Cold and unfeeling, the beep of the heart monitor seemed to mock the life it was meant to represent.

Raph looked at his little brother lying against the thin sheets covering the table Donnie had operated on. Most of what Raph could see was white bandages wrapping around Mikey's plastron, with strange angles protruding from beneath the crisp wrappings. What little of Mikey's sea green skin Raph did see was pale, and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Raph reached a hand out, letting his calloused fingers graze the once full cheek of the orange turtle. Mikey didn't so much as twitch. Curling his fingers back, Raph drew his hand away to wipe the hot tears that rolled down his face.

Don walked in to see his red-banded brother gazing forlornly down at Mikey, the blame written so plainly on his face. Don sighed. Raphael still held himself responsible for everything that had happened to Mikey. It was eating him up inside, and while most times Raph turned to anger to hide his emotions, this time, the guilt was too much.

Walking to Raph's side, Don placed his hand on the slumped emerald shoulders.

"Raph," he said gently.

Raph never took his eyes from Mikey's face.

"What if he never wakes up?" Raph whispered.

Donnie blinked, surprised at how vulnerable his normally hotheaded brother sounded. Gently Donnie turned Raphael to face him, staring into the green eyes that were begging him to wipe away their fears. Don felt tears prick his own eyes.

"You can't let yourself feel like this," he said. "You have to be strong Raphael. Be strong for our little brother."

Silently, the purple turtle begged. _Be strong for __**me.**_

…..

The next few weeks were agony. Donnie monitored Mikey for any changes or improvement, but the little turtle remained unconscious.

Don looked up from his desk to glance at the still form of Mikey. The metal plates he had fused to his younger brother were healing well, merging almost seamlessly with what remained of Mikey's plastron. The shredded flesh that had been Mikey's throat was still wrapped in thick white gauze. Don had to cut away the dead and rotting flesh, making even the hardened doctor in him feel nauseous. But despite the horrendous wound, the skin was already beginning to heal. Donnie marveled again at the quick healing powers of their mutation.

The creaking of the lab door broke through his reverie. Raphael was back. Raph had hardly left the orange turtle's bedside, except when ordered to by Leo or Splinter to eat.

Don turned his gaze to his older brother and winced. The muscles that had once stood so proudly defined beneath the emerald skin were stripped away from lack of use. The swagger in his step now replaced with a tired shamble. More than once, Don had heard the red-masked turtle in the throes of a panic attack, gasping for air late at night when he thought he was alone. When Don had confronted Raph about this, the hothead retreated behind his tough persona, brushing off Donnie's concerns as nothing. The hotheaded ninja had always been a constant source of strength for the purple turtle, and watching Raphael's decline was more than he could take. With a heavy heart, Don turned away from his brother, trying to bury himself once again in his work.

Quietly, Raph lowered himself into the seat that had since molded to the shape of his shell. Resting his elbows on the edge of Mikey's bed, he placed his chin on interlaced fingers. His green eyes drifted over the fused metal plates of Mikey's plastron, reflecting the harsh light of the lab. Closing his eyes, Raph tried to quell the tumultuous emotions that threatened to break free across his face.

Raph was afraid. It was an emotion he had spent his whole life fighting, but this time, it had caught him in its ruthless grip. His little brother was lying silently fighting for his life, and he was powerless to help. Raph would gladly have given anything to take Mikey's place on the cold hospital bed, anything to see the bright smile from his orange brother again. For each day Mikey remained unconscious, Raph could feel the fear and desperation tear another piece of his soul away. He wasn't sure how much longer he could carry on.

But he couldn't let his family see that. He was the one they could hurl their worries and frustrations at. He could take it. He was the strong one that kept all fears at bay. The one his brothers could always count on to take care of himself. They had enough to deal with on their own. He couldn't let his own fears bleed over into their lives. He wouldn't.

Unlocking his fingers, Raph crossed his arms on the bed and laid his head on them. Reaching out, Raph gently cradled Mikey's hand in his own. The little turtle didn't so much as stir, and the silence hanging around the once vibrant ninja was more than Raph could bear.

_"Dude! Check it out! I can burp the alphabet!"_

_"Oh gross Mikey! Do ya gotta do that in fronta me?"_

_"No need to get so touchy bro! Just because you can't even say the alphabet __**normally…**__"_

_"C'mere ya little snot! I'll show ya tha ABCs of getting yer shell kicked!"_

Raph smiled bitterly at the memory. Mikey always knew how to get him riled up.

"Things just ain't the same without ya bro," he murmured quietly. Raph looked up at Mikey's stony face, lips pressed into a grim line. "Please come back…Mikey."

Sighing, Raph let his arm cover his eyes, as he buried his face in the crook of his elbow, ignoring the slight squeeze on his hand.

_….slight squeeze?!_

Raph's head jerked up, his green eyes round as they sought the source of the light pressure. Looking to his hand, he saw the slight, sea green digits twitch against his own emerald ones. Frantically he looked to Mikey's face, hardly daring to breathe. The young mutant's lips had parted and his eyes were dancing behind the closed eyelids. Raph's heart leapt to his throat.

_Come on Mikey._ Raph pleaded silently. _Come back to me little bro._

….

_He wasn't sure how long he had drifted in the dark. Time was insignificant in the deep abyss he found himself floating in. In fact, he was having a hard time remembering anything. Who he was, why he was here, none of it had mattered. The blackness had swept it all away._

_At first the darkness had been comforting, but now, the young turtle found the emptiness unnerving. He found himself longing for something. Something important he had forgotten. What was it?_

_He turned his head, trying to make sense of the dark world he inhabited. There were no varying shades in the blackness around him, indicating direction or depth. The flatness of it all set his teeth on edge. This time he tried to move. He was done drifting. Something was missing, and he was going to find out what. Gently he bent his knees, trying to push off some invisible wall. He couldn't tell if he had actually moved anywhere in the darkness, but the use of his legs invigorated him. Again, he pushed off, this time reaching out with his arms. A flash of color flew before his eyes, causing him to blink at its harshness._

_Red._

_It was a color that had always comforted him, strong, warm, and bright. He wanted to see that color again. With determination, he pushed off again._

_Red._

_There was something more to that color, something that called to him._

_"Mikey"_

_He froze. That voice….he knew that voice. What had it called him?_

_Mikey._

_There was something that felt right about that word. Something that inexplicably summed up everything that he was. He was Mikey._

_More flashes of color._

_Purple._

_Blue._

_He knew those colors too. Comforting, loyal, caring._

_Red._

_Love._

_"Come back to me little bro."_

_Raph!_

_Mikey felt it all come rushing back to him. His family! Leo, Donnie Splinter. How could he have forgotten them? Pushing against the darkness, Mikey could feel it like sticky tar covering his limbs._

_Fear gripped his heart. He had to get out of here! Using all his strength, Mikey kicked and fought against the restricting substance._

_Red._

_Reaching out towards the comforting color, he could feel a hand grasp his own. Clinging on for dear life, Mikey pulled himself from the darkness._

Slowly, Mikey's eyes fluttered open. A face slowly came into view, tears soaking the red mask around his eyes.

"Raph."


	5. Feel Chapter 2

**Hello everyone! I hope you enjoy the next chapter of Feel! I've been receiving so many great messages from you all and I want to thank each and every one of you! It has made writing this story so rewarding, and worthwhile. But rather than wax eloquent, I'll let you get to the story! Enjoy!**

Mikey was awake! The relief that had swept through the lair was palpable, as the clear blue eyes of their youngest family member fluttered open.

Master Splinter's shoulders sagged in relief as he gently caressed Mikey's cheek; unshed tears shining in his eyes. Don and Leo moved close to the side of Mikey's bed. Each gently held their brother's hand, their faces twin masks of joy. Mikey weakly smiled up at them, but his eyes searched for the one face he wanted to see most. Where was Raph?

When Mikey had awoken, he was sure he had seen the tear-streaked face of Raphael hovering over his own, but after blinking his way into awareness, the hothead was nowhere to be seen. Mikey tried not to let the hurt show on his face. But the red-banded turtle's absence stung.

Unbeknownst to Mikey, his awakening had in fact wrenched a great cry of joy from Raphael. As he watched his youngest brother return to consciousness, his heart clenched, realizing that his face was probably the last thing Mikey wanted to see. After all, Raph was the one Mikey should be mad at. He was the reason Mikey had had to endure such immense pain. As quickly as Raph's joy surfaced, dread snuffed it out with its icy breath. Raph didn't want to leave Mikey's side, but the fear that Mikey would reject him was too much for him to bear. Quickly, he backed away to let his brothers and Master Splinter through to see the youngster.

Their joyful reunion made Raph's heart ache with a bittersweet happiness. He longed to join the rest of his family, but he knew better than that. His presence would only create tension and pain, so without a sound he slipped away from Donnie's lab.

He barely made it to his room.

_Mikey's ok. He's __**ok.**_Raph thought silently, as he felt the panic attack grip him. (I can't hurt him again. I won't)

…

Mikey lay against the warm pillows, trying to piece together his broken, dark memories. He vaguely remembered his brothers coming to his rescue, but mostly he remembered the dark and twisted tortures that Hun had inflicted upon him. The sharp and incessant pain of the spiked collar still haunted him every time he tried to close his eyes. The memory of the biting sting of salt water in his open wounds made him shudder. And the agonizing pain of his shell cracking and ripping apart…Mikey shut his eyes tightly, taking deep steadying breaths.

Tentatively, he brought a hand up to rest against the metal plates Donnie had fused to his damaged plastron. Smooth to the touch, Mikey couldn't help but shiver. The cold material felt alien to his fingers.

"Ya feelin' ok kid?"

Mikey's eyes snapped open.

Raph was hanging just inside the lab door. His gold eyes warily watching Mikey's face with a kind of hesitant worry.

"Raph," Mikey sighed.

Over the past few days, Raph had finally shown his face when Mikey was awake. It wasn't much, bringing him lunch, or an extra blanket, but to Mikey it was like bringing a glass of water to a man dying of thirst. Leo, Donnie, and even Master Splinter couldn't bring the same kind of comfort Raph could. There was something about the emerald turtle's presence that seemed to say "Nothing is happening to you while I'm here." It made Mikey feel safe.

"Ya feelin' ok? Should I get Donnie?" Raph asked, taking a small step forward.

"No I'm okay," Mikey said. "Just…trying to get used to this." He said gesturing to the metal plates.

A brief emotion streaked across Raph's face, but was gone before Mikey could register it.

"Yeah it's kinda differen' huh?" Raph said slowly walking to the bed, laying a stack of comics Mikey had asked for on the sheets.

"It just feels…weird," Mikey finished lamely, eyes dulled and distant. He still found it hard to put words to what had happened to him.

Raph dropped his gaze. Mikey was scared. He had to do something before Mikey went and…Raph's gaze fell on the comic books. Heh. He knew what would get the kid out of his funk.

"Well, guess ya need ta change ya superhero name eh?"

Mikey frowned. His superhero name? Turtle Titan?

"Gotta take inta account ya new superpowa'," Raph said.

Reaching down to the stack of comics, Raph handed Mikey a battered and torn edition of _Iron Man._ Mikey's eyes began to light up. Superpower!

"What should I change it to?" he asked, looking up at Raph eagerly.

Raph let a small smile form on his lips. This was the Mikey he knew.

"I dunno," Raph said. "You're always the one ta name stuff."

"True," Mikey said, returning his gaze to the comics in front of him for inspiration. "you'd probably go with something lame like _Metal Shell_."

Raph huffed. He wasn't _that_ bad at naming stuff….

"What abou' Turtle Titan-ium?" he offered.

Mikey's eyes got huge. It was PERFECT. His old alter ego but with an upgrade! With effort, he threw his arms around his red-banded brother.

"Thank you" he whispered.

Raph felt the cold bite of the metal plates against his chest like he had been burned. They were a painful reminder of his failure to protect his brother. Forcing his arms not to shake, he softly hugged Mikey back. This is what the young turtle needed, and he would do anything to make sure Mikey got it. No matter how much it hurt him.

Mikey frowned as Raph gently hugged him back. Had Raph always been this thin? Pulling back slowly, Mikey looked into Raph's face. Sure he had seen Raph over the past few days, but now he really _looked_ at him. There were dark circles under his golden eyes, throwing deep shadows into his exhausted face. Mikey's eyes roved over the lean muscles that Raph had clearly been neglecting. There was no softness in them, meaning Raph hadn't been eating. Even his skin, once a rich emerald, seemed to have dulled to a sickly green.

"Raph," Mikey said quietly. "Are you ok?"

Raph pulled back stiffly, dropping his arms to his sides.

"M'fine Mikey."

Mikey looked hard at his brother. What had happened to him? Mikey craned his neck trying to get a better look at his brother's face.

"Raph, you aren't fine. You look-ah!" Mikey winced as a twinge of pain shot through his neck.

Raph's face blanched upon hearing the yelp of pain Mikey made. Already he could feel his breath starting to come in shallow, and his throat constrict. No, not now. He couldn't let himself fall apart here in front of Mikey.

The young ninja, gingerly rubbed his neck wincing. His eyes glanced back up at Raph, and this time he almost did scream out in pain. The look of pure panic that had taken over the red turtle's face was as clear as day, and Mikey had been the one to put it there. It was _him_ that was making Raph look like that!

_TOUGH!_

Like a bolt of lightening, the word lanced through Mikey's mind. How could he have forgotten something so important? Yes he had won against Hun and protected his family, but so quickly he had turned back into the weak turtle that made Raph worry. Was Leo covering up for him again? Was Donnie killing himself over Mikey's injuries, trying to ease his pain?

"Raph I'm fine," Mikey said, letting his hand drop from his throat. "Really."

Raph didn't say a word, anxiously hovering beside Mikey's bed. Keeping his mouth clamped tight, Raph breathed tightly through his nose.

"Raph," Mikey coaxed softly. "I'm ok, but do you think you could get me a glass of water?"

Raphael nodded mechanically, turned on his heel, and quickly left the lab. Mikey watched his big brother's back walk away and made a silent vow. He would never let his brothers down again. He would be tough.

…

None of it made any sense to Donnie. Mikey had gone through pain that would make even Leo grimace, and yet the young turtle had maintained that he was feeling fine. Even through the slow progression of his physical therapy, Mikey was silent. Donnie had tried again and again to get Mikey to admit that he was in pain, but his younger brother had so calmly denied his accusations, that Don began to wonder if indeed Mikey was telling the truth. Shaking his head, Don dismissed the notion. Nobody could have escaped what Mikey had and not be in a considerable amount of pain. But if his brother wasn't honest with him how could he help him? It was a question that had him up even later than usual these past few nights.

That and his concern for Leo.

After Mikey had woken up, Leo had shifted all his attention to returning topside to exact revenge on the scum who had harmed his little brother. Every night he left the lair, sometimes not returning until the first rosy fingers of dawn had reached over the city that never sleeps. Don knew the anger stored in Leo was a poison that was far more perilous than Raph's volcanic temper. Leo's icy fury gave him a hardness that silently covered his normally good sense of judgment like a killing frost. It was dangerous not only to those it was directed at, but also to Leo himself.

Don found these thoughts chasing themselves around his head as he prepped Mikey's medication. Regardless of whether or not Mikey said he was in pain, there were certain antibiotics and necessary vitamins that Donnie insisted the young turtle take. The side effects may be risky, but Donnie knew skipping them could lead to something so much worse. He would monitor Mikey as always for any complications, but so far he had been responding well to the treatment. Even making great improvements in his physical therapy.

As Don finished adjusting the dosages, he caught the blue tails of Leo's mask trail past his door before hearing the clank of the lair door slamming shut. Don frowned. Leo had been even more distant lately, hardly engaging with any of them. Rather he spent hours meditating alone when he wasn't training ruthlessly in the dojo, and again he had come home last night covered in blood. Most of which Don knew wasn't his own.

Slowly, Don turned towards Mikey's bed where his other two brothers were commencing their nightly ritual of Raph coming to sit vigil by Mikey's bed and Mikey telling him that he was fine. Neither raised their voice, but neither would budge either. Sighing Donnie walked over, handing the bright-banded ninja his medicine. Turning, Don caught Raph's eye, jerking his head towards the door. They needed to talk.

Raising an eye-ridge, Raph lumbered to his feet. He had put some weight back on since Mikey had woken up, but he still had lingering shadows over his face. Don couldn't afford to worry about that right now.

Quietly the two brother's exited the lab to linger in the hallway. Don turned to Raph, hesitant, not knowing where to start.

"Raph, I need your help," Don said, appealing to Raph's protective sensibilities.

The emerald turtle's shoulders tensed up. Raph watched as Don shifted his weight from foot to foot. Whatever had the braniac worried, he didn't want Mikey to hear it. Raph tried to patiently wait for his genius brother to continue.

"It's about Leo," Donnie pressed on.

Raph let out his breath in a huff. What made Don think he would be any help where Fearless was concerned? Leo hadn't spoken to him except to order him around the lair. Raph just didn't have the energy to take him on lately.

"What's up yer shell Don?" Raph asked.

"Leo… he's…he hasn't been right ever since we brought Mikey back," Don said, staring at the floor. "I'm worried about him."

The corners of Raph's mouth tightened. "None of us have been right Donnie. It ain't somethin' new."

Don glared up at Raph.

"It's more than that-"

"Donnie, Leo is a big boy. He can take care of himself."

"Did you know he's been leaving the lair every night?" Don challenged. "He doesn't come home until well after everyone is asleep, and sometimes…he's banged up pretty good."

That got Raph's attention. Leo leaving the lair alone? Even getting hurt? How many times had Fearless been on his shell about that… Raph frowned, mulling over what Don had said.

"Okay Don," he said slowly. "So Leo is actin' weird. What da ya want me ta do? He ain't exactly gonna just listen ta me."

Don's eyes shifted away, as he gently scuffed his foot on the cold floor.

"I know it won't be easy but…do you think…could you…"

"Spit it out Don."

"Could you just make sure he get's home safe?" Don asked in a rush. "I just…I know he isn't thinking clearly, whatever it is he's doing. I can't go after him myself, since I have to watch Mikey, but you…you know what to do. How to reach him."

Raph felt his eyes go wide. Reach Leo? The idea almost made him laugh. Even before Mikey's ordeal, it took more fists than words for him to "reach" his older brother. Don might actually have to patch Leo up even more if Raph went after him. But it was the look on Donnie's face that stopped his protests before they even began.

The purple ninja was exhausted. The tired look in his eyes belied the worries and fears that the genius had been shouldering all on his own and it was breaking him down. Sighing, Raph put his hand on Don's shoulder.

"I don't know what I can do Don," he said. "But I'll keep 'im safe. I'll bring 'im home."

Don's face lit up with a relieved smile, before giving his hothead brother a hug. He felt as if a huge weight was lifting off his shoulders.

"Thank you Raph," he said, before releasing him.

Nodding, Raph set off at a lope for the lair exit. He hated leaving Mikey behind, but Don's frightened eyes were more than Raph could take. He had to make sure their "Fearless Leader" came home in one piece so he could beat the crap out of him later.


	6. Feel Chapter 3

A cloud of crystals formed as Leo breathed out into the chilled New York air. Winter was fast approaching, and the rooftops sparkled like glass as the young terrapin leapt across them. It was all Leo could do to maintain sure footing, even with his impressive ninja training. But he couldn't stay in the lair for another second, and the realization frightened him.

Leo stared out across the rooftops, deep in thought. For years he had always fought to maintain control of everything in his life. It was his duty as the leader to master himself in all things, including his temper. In all those years, Leo had never lost control. Until that night. He could still feel the ghostly sensation of his blades slicing through flesh, through bone. It took less than a second. It was quick, and it was satisfying. Never before had Leo felt so strongly about taking a life.

Hun had deserved to die. Of that Leo had no doubt. It was the emotions he felt afterwards that filled him with uncertainty. Honor dictated that he would avenge his clan by killing the man who had tortured his brother, but personal emotions told him that wasn't enough. Killing had been a part of his life ever since he and his brothers had begun their patrols of the city, but this was something different. It wasn't a question of morality or ethics. He _wanted_ to kill. Every single Purple Dragon that still drew breath in this savage city. They were like a Hydra. Killing one head would only have two more replace it. No, he had to burn them all.

Shouts from an alley broke into the troubled leader's reverie. Tensing his body like a coil, Leo exploded forward, toes curling into the icy rooftop for traction. As he swung over the lip of the roof, he braced his knees, making an almost silent landing on the fire escape below.

Cold blue eyes narrowed at the sight beneath him. A horde of Dragons were milling about in an empty lot, as if they were the kings of New York.

_Scum._

Quietly, Leo began his decent, already imagining himself cutting a swath through the motley group. Some held crude weapons, baseball bats with nails, a few with heavy lengths of chain.

_Fools._

As he landed on the final platform above the ground, Leo reached for his katana, unsheathing the merciless steel. The ice in Leo's veins fueled his quiet fury as he leapt into the group like a silent wraith.

He felled three men before the Dragons could comprehend what had happened. With a cry the remaining men whirled on the vengeful ninja, brandishing their makeshift weapons.

_Useless._

Leo's katana flashed in cold arcs, cutting down his foes with deadly accuracy. The Dragons cried out as limbs felt the bite of Leo's blades, desperately trying to fend of the dangerous turtle. Only some managed to get in a lucky blow, temporarily throwing Leo's deadly dance off, only to have him redouble his efforts, oblivious to the injuries he had sustained. It was like the world had ceased to exist outside of the dismal empty lot. Time didn't matter, as Leo desperately tried to expel his fury into his frenzied attacks. The only thing that mattered was Leo's growing realization that with each foe he laid low, his wrath would not abate, but rather burned even brighter. It was out of control, consuming, and it scared him.

_Help me!_

Leo didn't see the gun. He didn't see the thug take aim. He only heard the crack from the barrel as the bullet came flying at him. Closing his eyes, Leo could only wait for the tearing sensation of being shot. His rage had cost him his life.

"LEO!"

His eyes snapped open as a flash of green and red barreled into him, knocking the air out of his lungs. Leo looked up to see the silhouette of Raph now standing over him, sai drawn. Steam rose off his emerald skin as sweat made contact with the frigid air. A trickle of blood flowed down his arm.

"Raph?"

The red turtle kept his eyes on the thug who had fired the gun, letting out a deep growl.

"Git up off yer ass Fearless! We ain't outta here yet!"

Sprinting forward, Raph charged the stunned gunman who was standing with his mouth hanging open. He hadn't counted on a second target.

Raph roared as he deftly knocked the gun from the man's grip, whipping his leg around to connect his heel with the poor fool's head. The man flew sideways from the blow, careening into three other thugs who collapsed beneath him. Raph scoffed as he ran back to Leo who seemed to have frozen in place.

"Leo, come ON!" Raph yelled, grabbing Leo's wrist in a vice-like grip.

Blinking, Leo seemed to shake the haze surrounding him and trailed his younger brother as they sprinted away from the carnage. The shouts of the remaining Dragons faded as Raph pulled his brother away and up to the rooftops, back to safety.

Raph could hardly believe what he had just seen. Leo had jumped into a no-win situation like a one-turtle wrecking ball. No plan. No backup. The so-called leader had abandoned everything they had been taught and threw himself into battle as if he didn't care if he…

Raph growled. So this is what Donnie was talking about. When they had gone several blocks over the rooftops, Raph skidded to a halt, his gold eyes blazing. He turned his fiery gaze on his older brother, panting great billowing clouds of steam from his mouth.

"Ok Leo…what tha hell was that?!"

Leo sheathed his katana, glaring at his younger brother. Why was he out here? Did Raph follow him? Donnie should be sleeping, so who was with Mikey right now?

"Answer me Leo!"

"What are you doing out here Raph?"

Raph could almost feel his jaw hit the floor. Leo was asking _him_? The guy nearly bought it, out in the middle of a very public vacant lot in a brawl with a bunch of low-level thugs, and he was asking _HIM_?

Raph geared up for an angry tirade right on the tip of his tongue.

_"Make sure he gets home safe."_

Donnie's voice cut through Raph's indignant rage. Donnie. The guy looked so strung out, it was a wonder he hadn't collapsed from exhaustion yet. Breathing deep through his nose, Raph collected himself. He needed to bring Leo home. For Donnie.

_"You know what to do. How to reach him."_

Raph didn't know where Don got the confidence in him from. Talking to Leo was hardly his area of expertise. If anything this was the exact reverse of anything he would do. Usually Leo came after _him_ when he left the lair. Leo would find him, they would yell for a while, then eventually they would get to the **real** reason he was so mad and…damn. Donnie was right. Again. He _did_ know how to reach Leo.

Taking a deep breath, Raph took the plunge.

"The question is what are _you_ doin' Leo! Ya come out here with no backup, no plan and pick fights with punks? What tha hell?"

"I'm the leader Raphael. I don't need to justify my actions to you."

Raph glared at his older brother.

"The hell ya don't! A leada ain't tha exception Leo! They lead by example. And right now ya doin' a pretty piss poor job with yer example."

Leo felt his face flush in anger, his fists shaking at his sides.

"Poor example? How is avenging our family a poor example?!" he yelled. "They were _Purple Dragons_ Raph! You expect me to just let them grow like some cancer after what they did to Mikey?!"

"Leo, ya aren't a one-turtle army. Ya can't just-"

"THEY TORTURED HIM!" Leo screamed.

Raph's mouth snapped shut. Leo's breath came in great puffs of white, his blue eyes flashing.

"They tortured him! Those monsters literally tore him apart," Leo snarled. "While Mikey is struggling to recover, these scum are walking the streets without a care in the world. I can't let them. I won't! _I have to do this!_"

Raph never felt closer to Leo than he did in that moment. Finally, Leo understood his all-consuming rage. All those years Raph had been battling the same demon, and now Leo understood.

But Raph couldn't revel in this realization. He knew how dangerous and damaging that wrath could be. He would protect Leo. Even from himself.

"Whateva this is, is NOT gonna work," Raph sighed. "Yer emotions are makin' ya do stupid stuff Leo!"

Leo's face contorted.

"You can't lecture me about letting my emotions getting away from me," he spat venomously. "You're the reason Mikey got hurt in the first place! You and _your_ emotions nearly killed him!"

Raph felt his heart stop. Leo's words cut him deep, as if Leo had used the katana still strapped to his back. Raph's eyes ceased to see the blue-banded leader as he grappled with the raw emotions tearing through his mind.

_Mikey._

The face of his younger brother swam to the surface of Raph's tormented thoughts. Raph had failed him. He had hurt his baby brother, just because he couldn't get a handle on his own fears. He didn't deserve to be called Mikey's brother. But Leo—Mikey worshipped Leo like some kind of ninja god. The thought cut through Raph's pain. He wouldn't let Mikey's hero fall.

"What would Mikey do if ya didn't come back?" Raph asked quietly.

Leo looked like he had been slapped.

"What would happen ta Masta Splinter? Ta Donnie?" Raph continued.

Leo's silence gave Raph the chance to lay it all on the table. His last chance to bring his older brother back from the brink.

"I know what it's like ta lose yaself like that," Raph whispered, dropping his gaze to the floor. "That's why I'm here. Ta bring ya back…ya don't…ya don't have ta do this alone."

Leo blinked in shock. Raph. He _did_ know what this was like. How many times had Leo seen this same fire burning in Raphael's eyes? How may times had Raph fought to control a blaze like this?

Leo felt his knees go weak and slowly sank to the ground. Raph understood. He understood, and he wouldn't let Leo face this alone. The paralyzing fear of his rage that gripped Leo began to fade, as Raph slowly moved forward, holding his hand out to his older brother.

"Come on Fearless," Raph said softly. "Let's go home."

Silently, Leo took Raph's hand, and the two set off for the lair. Neither said a word. They didn't need to.

….

Don hugged his knees to his chest as he sat on the cot beside Mikey's bed. The cold air teased small goose bumps up his arms, but still he refused to move. It had been over two hours since Raphael had left the lair. Curled up on the cot beside Mikey's bed, Don was left with nothing but the aching fear his older brother's absence brought.

Don had always known that Leo hid things from them. The leader had an almost fanatical devotion to his meditation that bordered on obsessive. It drove Mikey and Raph crazy, but for Don it filled him with a sense of apprehension. There was something in Leo's eyes that scared Don. Something that lurked beneath the calm blue pools like some great leviathan, ready to drag Leo down to some dark abyss where Don could not reach him. It was through meditation that Don saw Leo attempt to quell the great beast. And until recently, Don had breathed a sigh of relief after each session of Leo's self-preservation. But now…after fighting the monster inside for so long, Leo had embraced it, letting it fuel his every action, carrying him far beyond the reach of the genius.

Don shivered on the cot, ignoring the groan of his tense muscles wound as tightly as steel cables. He tried to roll his shoulders, but could barely manage a small shrug. Pain lanced through his skull as a migraine blossomed behind his eyes. Biting back the accompanying wave of nausea, Don scrunched his eyes shut. His body wanted nothing more than to sleep, but Don's mind recoiled from the idea. His dreams were haunted by the dark and deadly look in Leo's eyes. They were not the eyes of his loving older brother, but of a stone cold killer. Those eyes wouldn't see him offering help. No, they only saw the next target. The next corpse.

Don's bloodshot eyes darted to the clock, dully blinking at him from his worktable.

_1 a.m._

Two hours since Raphael had left in search of Leo. Don shut his eyes, the image of his hothead brother flitting behind his closed lids. Raph had promised he would bring Leo home safe, and Donnie believed every word. Raph was so strong. Despite the his temper and crude words, Raph had always managed to ease Donnie's fears, even when they were small children. It was Raph who chased away the monsters that hid under his bed, and it was Raph who would save their older brother.

Don took a deep breath, letting the cold, stale air of his lab fill his lungs. Slowly, he released his breath, willing his muscles to relax. He managed to loosen his hold on his knees, and instantly felt pins and needles as his feet tried their best to get recirculation into the blood-starved tissue. Don ran his now free hands up and down his chilled arms, shuddering at the sandpaper texture the goose bumps had created on them. Sitting in the lab lost in his thoughts, Don hadn't realized just how cold the room had gotten. Leaning forward he readjusted the mountain of blankets Mikey was under. Mumbling the orange banded turtle shifted slightly before once again stilling against the pillows. Don sat watching, his feet now resting on the icy floor, ignoring the bite of cold against his bare feet. It still scared him watching Mikey sleep, waiting for any hint of complication or pain in Mikey's features, but it was all he could do while he waited for his older brothers.

That seemed to be the only thing Don did these days: wait. His family had always praised his patience and calm, saying what a gift it was to be blessed with such a trait. If they only knew, beneath that calm façade Donnie was screaming, beating his fists against the walls his logical mind had constructed, begging for the world to move faster. It was what Donnie always dreaded. He had to wait for Mikey to be found, only to recover their brother from a pool of blood. He had to wait for Raph to find Leo, before Leo lost any more of himself. He had to wait, and every second that passed was killing him.

It was the reason why he barricaded himself in his lab, trying to keep busy. It was why he worked well past dawn perfecting the security system. It was why he was constantly inventing new gadgets for his family. He couldn't bear the thought of sitting still and waiting.

Don hung his head, trying to ignore the throbbing ache at the base of his skull. Where were his brothers?

The clank of the lair door opening made his head snap up, sending a fresh wave of pain behind his eyes, but Don barely noticed. In a mad rush, he leapt to his feet, stumbling and nearly falling as his numb legs tried to move. Staggering, he clung to the doorway, his anxious eyes on the lair door. Raph had just entered the room and behind him…Leo.

Don released the breath he didn't realize he was holding. Releasing the doorframe, he slowly walked towards his brothers, not sure what to expect. Raph pushed past Don without a word, disappearing into the lab. Fearfully, Donnie turned his gaze to Leo. Starting at the leader's feet and looking up, Donnie could see the telltale signs of a fight emerging over Leo's body. The dark purple bruises stood in stark contrast to his leaf green skin, and Don even noticed new nicks and cuts that now marred his brother's shell. But when he looked into Leo's eyes, Don nearly cried out in relief. They were _Leo's_ eyes.

Sheepishly, Leo looked back at Don, offering a sad half-smile at his younger brother. Any minute now, Don would let him have it. Don's words would cut deep like a scalpel, revealing his intense guilt and shame. He deserved it.

"Let's get you patched up," Don said softly, as he gently took Leo's hand.

It made Leo's heart break. He had failed his brothers so miserably, and yet they still spoke to him, still loved him. Forgave him. Leo let Donnie guide him to a kitchen chair where he sat as Don fished the first aid kit out from under the sink. His wounds weren't too serious, but Don made it clear that he wouldn't let Leo leave his sight without tending to him.

Gently, Donnie began to clean his wounds, never looking up from his task. Leo wanted to say something, anything, but the words died on his lips as Donnie's warm brown eyes finally looked up. The love in them made Leo's breath hitch in his throat. Without a word, he leaned forward, wrapping Don in a crushing hug.

"I missed you bro," Don whispered.

Slowly Leo pulled back.

"I'm sorry Donnie," he said softly. "I'm so sorry."

"You're safe now Leo," Don said. "You don't have to be sorry."

Leo felt his heart lift at Don's forgiveness, but it didn't absolve him of what he had done or said. Especially to Raph.

"I said something I shouldn't have Donnie," Leo said, the shame he felt making his voice crack. "I hurt Raph bad."

Don looked at Leo carefully as he returned to tending Leo's injuries. "What did you say Leo?"

Shuddering Leo took a breath. "I told him that he had no right to judge me." Pausing, Leo forced himself to repeat the horrible accusation he had thrown at the red ninja. "I told him it was his fault Mikey got hurt."

Don stopped cleaning the cut on Leo's arm. The words were like barbs that dug in deep, and they weren't even directed at him. Sighing Don sat back on his heels looking at the distraught expression on Leo's face.

"He knows you better than that Leo," Don admonished gently. Leo's eyes looked back at him, a small glimmer of hope shining in their depths.

"Raph knows you didn't mean something like that," Don continued. "How many times has he said something he regrets? He knows what that's like, and he knows you would never say something like that and mean it. Didn't you tell him that Mikey getting hurt was beyond his control?"

Slowly Leo nodded, but the look of guilt still hovered over his face. Don knew the leader wouldn't let himself off the hook so easily. Placing a hand on Leo's knee, Don drew the blue turtles gaze back to him.

"Apologize to him Leo," Don said confidently. "If you tell him honestly how sorry you are, and that you were wrong, he will forgive you. Raph is too strong to let something like this hurt him."

Leo bit his lip hesitantly.

"You're our _brother_ Leo," Don said softly.

Finally, Leo sighed in defeat, giving Don a halfhearted grin.

"You always were the smart one…"

Don grinned up at Leo. It was the first real smile he had worn in months. Wrapping a final bandage around Leo's bicep, Don stood, holding his hand out to the blue-banded ninja. Gratefully, Leo accepted it, letting Donnie help him to his feet. Squaring his shoulders, Leo walked purposefully towards the lab. He had to apologize now before he lost his nerve.

Sighing with relief, Don finally let the exhaustion he had been fighting the last few weeks wash over him. Struggling not to collapse right there in the kitchen, he slowly turned towards the stairs. For once he would sleep in his actual bed, and tonight he would sleep well.


	7. Feel Chapter 4

**Hey everyone! I hope you all have been enjoying "Feel" so far. I've had a blast writing it, and can't thank you all enough for the amazing reviews and comments. They have been super helpful, especially when I'm going through a rough patch in my writing. Here is the fourth chapter of Feel in its entirety! Enjoy!**

Raphael was exhausted. Solid knots of tension had settled deep into his shoulders, and the biting cold had made his worn, calloused feet, numb to the myriad of small cuts the ice had left on them.

Raph shuffled into Donnie's lab, making his way to the small hard cot beside Mikey's bed. As he came closer, Raph looked into the grim face of his younger brother. Gently, Raph traced a rough hand down Mikey's cheek, his heart twisting at the serious expression the usually bright and happy turtle was wearing.

He seemed thin and fragile against the sheets. Glancing over at Donnie's desk, Raph noticed the barely touched tray of food Mikey had left behind. The sight made him cringe; knowing the young turtle was anything but a picky eater.

_"Alright guys! Who's up for my super awesome, delicious and nutritious, scrambled eggs?"_

_"Eggs again Mikey? Can't ya make somethin' that has…I dunno, flavor?"_

_"That's what I did **last** time Raph!"_

_"I don't think scrambled eggs mixed with anchovies counts as a flavor Mikey…"_

_"Shows what **you** know Don! It's called surf and turf!"_

Sighing, Raph moved to sit down on the cot, placing his hand down on the scratchy material to brace himself. The cloth was warm under his hands. _Donnie_, Raph thought sadly to himself. How long had the purple turtle sat there silently torturing himself? Raph bit his bottom lip in guilt. He had almost dismissed Donnie's request to go find Leo, but the desperation in the genius' eyes had struck him deep. Donnie was always sacrificing himself for them, whether that meant patching them up after they were hurt, or never sleeping so that the tech in the lair would run smoothly. After seeing the genius on the verge of collapse, Raph realized he would do anything to ease the burden the purple turtle had to bear.

Grunting, Raph eased himself onto the cot, closing his eyes as he listened to the murmur of Leo and Don's voices float in from the kitchen. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he knew from the muffled sound of Donnie's voice that he was relieved. With Leo back home, and presumably under control, Donnie could breathe easy, something Raph was grateful for. Leo would make everything right.

_"You're the reason Mikey got hurt in the first place!"_

Raph's eyes snapped open. Leo's cruel words echoed through his battered mind.

_ "You and your emotions nearly killed him!"_

Raph started to shake. This whole mess had started because of him. He hadn't meant to hurt Mikey that time. He was just worried. Concerned about his little brother's safety…frightened. Raph shook his head in disgust. He should have known better than to selfishly try to ease his own fears. He should have soldiered on like he always had, covering for his little brother no matter how scared he was. That was his place in this family. The shield.

He had lost sight of that the night he had sparred with Mikey, letting the cracks of his armor show. He had even dared to cry in front of the young turtle. His weakness had cost Mikey so dearly.

Gripping the cot tightly, Raph didn't hear Leo open the lab door, silently slipping into the room.

Leo looked at the exhausted form of his younger brother. Raph had taken up his usual position on the cot by Mikey's bed, but his hands were clasping the edge of the flimsy makeshift bed so hard, his normally green knuckles were tinged almost white. It was then; Leo noticed the trail of blood still oozing down Raph's arm.

_He's hurt!_ Leo thought frantically. When? How?

The crack of a gun went off in Leo's memory. In the vacant lot, Raph had saved him. Pushed him out of the way when that thug pointed his gun at him and…_Oh no._

"Raph!"

Rushing forward Leo reached out to Raph, his hands gently probing to find the wound. With a jump, Raph was pulled from his miserable thoughts as Leo frantically looked him over. Quickly, Raph let his face go blank, masking the hurt and fear he had been grappling with moments ago. Leo hardly noticed the fevered expression of Raph's gold eyes dull to a vague passivity, as his gentle fingers found the source of the blood.

Raph had been shot in the shoulder. How had he missed this?!

"Raph," Leo said softly. "You're hurt."

Blinking, Raph glanced at his shoulder in surprise. _When had that happened?_ He thought. He hadn't felt a thing.

"S'nothin' Fearless," Raph said with a shrug. "I've had worse."

Leo frowned. How could Raph just brush something like this off? With a huff, Leo stood and strode out of the lab. Raph sighed as he leaned back on the cot. Leo didn't need to worry about him. He would be fine. Just like he always was…

Raph's head snapped forward as Leo once again entered the lab, this time with the first aid kit under his arm. Silently, he knelt in front of Raph's cot, getting the necessary items from the kit to tend to Raph's injury.

"M'fine Leo," Raph grunted, as the leaf green turtle took a firm grip on his arm. Raph tried to pull his arm free, but Leo wouldn't let go, his fingers curled around his arm tight enough to bruise.

"Let me do this Raph," Leo said curtly, his anger starting to stir deep in his chest.

Raph was about to protest, when he noticed the look in Leo's eyes. The icy gaze had Raph backpedaling. Turning to face his older brother fully, Raph let Leo have his arm. Leo's eyes softened as he began to clean Raph's shoulder. The two sat in silence, listening to the soft breathing of Michelangelo on the bed beside them.

The silence stretched uncomfortably, and it was more than Raph could take. He opened his mouth to say something when Leo cut him off.

"I'm sorry," the leader whispered.

Raph closed his mouth slowly. If Leo wanted to talk, he would let him.

"Raph, I'm…I'm so sorry," Leo said, never meeting Raph's eyes as he continued to clean the wound.

The red ninja raised an eyeridge, confused.

"What are ya sorry for?" Raph asked.

"Just…for everything," Leo said. "I should have noticed something was wrong with Mikey that night. I should have been helping everyone here with Mikey's recovery. I…I should have never said you were to blame for Michelangelo's torture," Leo blurted out in a rush.

Raph felt his breath catch in his throat. Before he could open his mouth to reply, Leo continued.

"I've always been so sure of what was expected of me, and how to approach each situation. But with this…I just feel lost. I can't control my anger, and it scares me."

Raph felt his eyes go wide. Fearless? Scared? Gently, he reached out to place a reassuring hand on Leo's shoulder. The blue-banded turtle jerked at the touch, before slowly letting himself absorb the warmth and comfort Raph's hand provided. Hesitantly Leo looked up into Raph's eyes.

The golden spheres gazed down at him with worry. Leo looked away from the intense gaze, focusing on bandaging Raph's shoulder.

"I'm sorry—"

"Leo ya have nothin' ta apologize for," Raph said firmly.

Surprised, Leo felt Raph cup his chin, forcing the leader's gaze back to the hothead.

"Ya don't have ta be scared Leo," Raph said softly. "I won't let anythin' happen to ya."

Tears pricked at the corners of Leo's eyes. Slowly Leo shook his head.

"I'm so angry Raph," he said softly.

Nodding, Raph pulled his older brother into a one armed hug.

"Yeah, I know."

Pulling back, Leo looked up at Raph.

"I can't just let this go," Leo said. "But what if…what if I can't stop? What if I…"

With a small knowing smile, Raph gave Leo a small punch on the shoulder, gaining a confused frown from his older brother.

"Then ya just have ta take me along wit'chya," Raph said matter of factly. "I'll keep yer ass in line, and ya can still bash some Purple Dragon skulls."

Leo's eyes went wide with shock. The burden of keeping his anger in check all alone had worn him down over the years, and here was Raph telling him he would never have to do that again. The relief that flooded through him made his knees weak.

Reaching out, Leo hugged Raph tightly, careful to avoid Raph's wound.

"Thank you Raph."

Raph gave Leo a squeeze before pulling back. Leo would be all right.

"Sure thing Fearless," he said nonchalantly. "Now ya think ya can finish with the mummy treatment?"

Leo blushed as he quickly finished Raph's bandages. Standing stiffly, Leo hugged Raph one more time, before heading out of the lab. Placing the first aid kit under the sink once again, Leo made his way to his room where he collapsed onto his bed. As he drifted off, Leo could still hear Raph's words in his head. _I won't let anythin' happen to ya. _Sighing contentedly, Leo let sleep come and take him.

…..

Raph watched as Leo left the room, his shoulders forward and head held high. It felt good to see Leo like that. It felt right.

Leaning back again on the cot, Raph reveled in that small victory. He had been able to protect his older brother. Yes, he had been shot, but physical pain was nothing when it came to protecting his family. Bracing his arms behind him, Raph leaned back closing his eyes. He was so tired.

A quiet gasp had Raph's eyes flying open. Mikey's sharp intake of breath had Raph holding his own, as he quickly stood hovering over the orange clad turtle. Mikey's face had contorted into a grimace, twisting the laugh lines around his eyes into deep valleys of pain. Raph felt his blood turn to ice in his veins, but as quickly as Mikey's face had distorted, it smoothed over once again to the grim mask Mikey always wore.

With shaky legs, Raph sank back onto the cot, his head cradled in his trembling hands. Even in sleep, Mikey was in pain. Raph tried to fight the tears threatening behind his mask. He couldn't let his armor slip.

It was what was expected of him. Leo expected the perfect soldier. Donnie expected the impenetrable shield. Mikey deserved the infallible protector.

Raph's shoulders strained against the weight of his brothers' expectations. For so long he had held them all like some ancient Atlas, balancing their fears on his strong back. But the years had worn him down, and his own fears ate away at him. He was trapped. Should he shrug, his brothers would come crashing down around him. No, he had to carry them. Remove their burdens and lend them his strength. But he wasn't as strong as they all thought.

Donnie had deemed him strong enough to carry Leo, and Raph had even put up a very convincing act that he could protect Leo from himself. But who was he kidding? Yes, he tried do all those things for his brothers, but his nagging fears were slowly, silently killing him. What if he couldn't stop Leo? What would happen to Donnie if he failed? What if he cracked…?

Raph's breaths came in sharp and shallow as he gripped his arms tightly across his chest. He could feel his heart crashing against his plastron, the blood rushing in his ears as he fought the choking sensation in his throat. Shaking, Raph rose from the cot and staggered to the door. He had to hide. No one could see him like this. With almost a detached feeling, Raph watched himself stagger to his room, weakly shutting the door behind him.

Collapsing into his hammock, Raph's breaths came faster and yet he couldn't get any air. Gasping, Raph rode out the shakes and jerks of his body, curled up tight as the weight of his fears continued to crush him. Squeezing his eyes shut, Raph cried alone into the cold air.

...

After what had seemed an eternity, Raph had finally fallen into a fitful sleep. Images of his brothers danced behind his lids, tormenting him as he slept.

_"Raph, please, protect us" Donnie's voice pleaded with him._

_Raph reached out to his purple brother._

_"Don't let me get hurt Raph. I need you," Leo's voice echoed._

_Whirling around, Raph searched frantically for his leader._

_"Raph…was I tough?"_

_Raph slowly turned. Before him was Mikey, lying silently in a pool of blood. With a strangled cry Raph ran forward to cradle his little brother._

_"Why didn't you protect me Raph?"_

_The red-banded turtle looked up to see Leo covered in bloody wounds, staggering towards him before collapsing to the ground. Raph felt his heart stop. No. Not Leo._

_Suddenly, the emaciated form of Donatello appeared before the fallen leader. His angry face streaked with tears glared harshly at him._

_"You promised!" Donnie's pained cry rang out. "You promised you would keep him safe!"_

_"I tried!" Raph screamed, tears marking his own cheeks. "I tried to protect you all!"_

_"You can't protect us Raph," Donnie whispered. "Not anymore."_

Raphael bolted upright hot tears running down his face. Every night it was the same thing. The echoes of his brother's cries of pain, and biting accusations rang in his head, while the images of blood still flashed beneath his closed lids. Raph held his head in his hands as his shoulders shook. He was so tired, and yet he dared not sleep. Blearily, he turned his red and swollen eyes to the clock on his nightstand.

2 A.M.

Raph let out a small whimper. How desperately he wanted to let sleep take him. But he knew; sleep held no solace for him. For the fourth night in a row, Raph lay awake, haunted by his own thoughts until morning.


	8. Feel Chapter 5

**Happy belated Holidays everyone! I hope you all enjoy your "present," and don't give me too much grief for making you wait...Thank you all for your patience and let me know what you think! Enjoy :D**

Splinter watched the thin wisps of steam rise from the pale green liquid in his cup. The soothing scent trailed past his graying whiskers, making his nose twitch as he inhaled deeply. For once the calming act of drinking his morning tea was doing nothing to assuage his growing worries. Living through Michelangelo's disappearance had aged the rat considerably, and now that his son was finally home, he realized that his family was far from recovered.

Sighing, Splinter curled his thin fingers around the cup, taking little comfort from the warm porcelain. It wasn't just Michelangelo that had him worried. Each of his sons had changed since the youngest had returned, and he was unsure that his old heart had the strength to carry them all in such dire circumstances.

While his youngest had suffered greatly at the hands of their enemies, his second youngest, Donatello, had been laid with the weight of healing Michelangelo. Splinter had long known the gift Donatello possessed was a double-edged sword.

His son had great knowledge that helped their family, but in such circumstances, he was tasked with using that knowledge to save his family. Splinter knew it taxed the purple ninja both mentally and physically but there was nothing he could do to ease his son's burdens other than to offer spiritual and fatherly support. With each passing day, he watched, as Donatello grew more and more tired, sustaining himself on nothing but ragged determination, and that vile drink he loved. Coffee.

Splinter's lip curled at the thought of the black pungent liquid his son ingested. Often he had threatened to ban the substance, but after witnessing his son's swift deterioration without it, he begrudgingly relented.

But Donatello seemed to be beyond even the help of coffee these days. And it wasn't just due to Michelangelo's condition. No, the young genius had noticed another presence in need of healing. One that he could not fix. And it was running him into the ground.

Leonardo.

Splinter absently swirled his tea as he thought on Donatello's observations of the blue ninja. Where once his son's presence had been as smooth and calm as the steam now rising from his cup, Leonardo's energy had acted in a much darker manner, like choking smoke.

The anger the young leader harbored within him was a poison that Splinter knew would destroy Leonardo. Something needed to be done. What surprised him was the one who eventually _did_ take action. Raphael, the "hothead" as his brothers called him, had stepped forward to quell the tumultuous emotions Leonardo possessed. Of all the brothers, Splinter was particularly proud of his red-banded son for his outstanding passion to aid his family. Splinter smiled as he thought back on the night both his older sons had entered the lair, a quiet understanding between them.

Since then, the pair had taken to traveling topside together, and after each time, Splinter could see the darkness in Leonardo loosen its grip on him. In turn, this had eased Donatello's fears and allowed the genius to focus his energies on healing the youngest brother, who was making excellent progress if the old rat had anything to say about it.

But what concerned him now was the aura of his second oldest, Raphael. While his brothers seemed to be improving as the weeks went by, the passionate ninja seemed to fall deeper and deeper into shadow. It had the old master worried. What could be drawing so much of Raphael's energy to make him look so tired? So defeated?

Sighing, Splinter rose from his seat, draining his cup of the last few drops of his tea. He would talk with his son.

Tonight.

…..

Mikey gripped the handle of the training nunchakus Leo had given him. It had taken weeks and every ounce of his "baby bro cunning" to convince Donnie he was ready for basic training, and he wasn't about to blow it now.

Under Don's hawk-like supervision, Leo ran Mikey through yet another kata, carefully watching for any hint of pain or hesitation in the bright ninja's steps. Finding none, Leo continued the practice, trying to ignore Donatello's glare as he picked a more advanced move for Mikey to try. Allowing him to begin twirling his weapon as they moved through the kata.

Mikey ignored the stiffness in his limbs, determined to make it through the practice. He had to regain all the time he had lost laying in bed, and relearn the muscle-memory his body had forgotten. He knew that Leo and Raph had been going out every night for the past month and he was anxious to join them.

Spinning his training weapon faster and faster, Mikey focused on finishing the form in perfect tandem with Leo. He had to show his brothers he was tough. He was ready to join them and defend his family. Especially Raph.

Mikey's brows knit into a frown as he thought about his hothead brother. Raph had been present for all of his physical therapy, but had immediately disappeared as his training regimen resumed. It had vexed the young turtle that he couldn't show his older brother that he was regaining his strength. That Raph didn't have to worry about him putting the family in danger.

Breathing deeply, Leo finished the last move of the kata glancing subtly at Mikey. He was surprised how focused Mikey had been through the entire session, and even more surprised at how fluidly Mikey moved, despite his grievous injuries. Very few bandages remained on the young turtle, and his musculature had once again become strong and defined thanks to the strict diet Donnie had him on. Although Mike did sneak in the occasional pizza slice…Leo just couldn't say no.

"How do you feel Mikey?" he asked.

"Honestly bro?"

Leo held his breath. Was Mikey in pain? Was this workout too much?

"I'm bored out of my mind dude…"

Leo suppressed a laugh. Leave it to Mikey to break the tension. It made him so happy that his little brother had not lost that quality.

"Bored huh?" Leo grinned. "Maybe some meditation would help with that."

"Oh come on man!" Mikey whined. "Give a turtle a break! If I get any more bored I'll go brain dead!"

"Sounds serious Leo," Don chuckled as he leaned against the doorway. "Maybe, if you promise to take it easy, you can try a little sparring?"

Mikey grinned. Sparring wasn't exactly like reading his comic books, but he had been itching to burn off some energy and for once Donnie had given the green light! He wasn't going to look a gift turtle in the mouth.

Quickly, Mikey took his stance across from Leo. They were using training weapons since Mikey was a little rusty, but they could still pack a wallop. Bowing, the two turtles fell into defensive stances, slowly circling one another. Leo gripped the handles of his practice swords, listening to the thrumming hum of Mikey's nunchakus as they spun through the air. It still amazed him how his brother could achieve such amazing speed with the unpredictable weapon. Sliding his foot forward, Leo invaded Mikey's defenses slipping beneath the young turtle's waistline. He swung both swords towards Mikey's side…

WHACK!

Leo blinked, the back of his shell still reverberating from the hit Mikey had landed. What was _that?_

Mikey danced back a few paces, his face set in a determined mask. Where normally the bright ninja would have boasted about the early hit, now he only flowed into another stance, waiting for Leo to make his move.

Donnie watched with wide eyes as Mikey landed the first hit that had come so quickly he had almost missed it. The young turtle sidestepped Leo's initial attack, snapping his nunchaku at Leo's unprotected back. It was a solid strategy considering Leo was so focused on a frontal assault he had neglected to cover his shell. But it still left the two older brothers in shock. Who was this focused and calculating ninja that looked like their baby brother?

Losing the small smile he had started with, Leo let his features form into a similar mask of determination. Clearly, Mikey was taking this seriously. How could he not do the same?

Crouching down, Leo leapt forward, his practice swords slicing through the air to get at his younger adversary. Mikey twisted away, deflecting the wooden blades with blinding speed. Using his momentum, Mikey spun quickly pushing Leo back with a flurry of attacks. It was all Leo could do to keep his feet under the blinding onslaught. Leo knew Mikey had always been the fastest of the brothers, but rarely did he use that fact to his full advantage. Facing it now, Leo began to wonder just how much Mikey had been holding back over the years. With a grunt Leo caught one nunchaku against his blade. Flinging it aside he began to push back, thrusting forward at the nimble ninja.

Mikey watched each movement Leo made as if in slow motion.

_Protect this family._

Mikey's eyes narrowed.

_If yer gonna protect this family…_

He spun his weapons faster and faster.

_Ya gotta be TOUGH!_

With a shout, Mikey caught Leo's sword in the chain of his nunchaku and wrenched it from his older brother's grasp. The wooden sword clattered to the floor across the room at Donnie's feet. The purple ninja felt his breathing quicken as he stared down at the lost weapon. He had always known Mikey was strong, but this was something different. He wasn't hiding behind the usual jokes and taunts he usually threw out in the middle of a fight. No, this time, he was fighting with a purpose.

Leo's shocked expression was quickly wiped away as he grasped his single weapon in front of him, replaced now with a grim resolve. As quick as lighting, he charged Mikey, determined to change the momentum of the match. Striking faster and faster, the blue-banded ninja took advantage of Mikey's stiffness, forcing the young ninja to try and compensate for his hindered flexibility.

Mikey was holding his own, but the dull ache in his limbs was now starting to throb. Gritting his teeth, Mikey pushed on. He had defeated pain once. He wouldn't fall to it ever again. He was tough dammit!

The two fought on equal footing, trading blow after blow as the minutes dragged on. Donnie watched the thin sheen of sweat on the skin of his brothers. He knew he should stop the match since Mikey was still recovering, but the intensity of their emotions had his throat closing and his tongue lacking the words to do so. The minutes dragged on for what seemed like hours when finally Mikey's lack of exercise gave Leo an opening. Throwing out his leg, Leo caught his younger brother's back leg throwing off his center of gravity. With practiced motions, Leo felt his wooden sword connect with Mikey's chest.

The ringing of Mikey's metal plates seemed to break the trance the two turtles had been under. Blinking slowly Mikey looked down at the wooden sword still frozen over the top of his prosthetic plastron. It hadn't hurt…but he had lost.

"What tha hell are ya doin'?!"

Leo's eyes snapped to the dojo's doors. He could practically see the fury rising off of Raph's skin. Slowly he lowered his wooden sword, anxiously looking towards Mikey. This was supposed to be a light sparring match. How had it gotten so serious? He had actually hit Mikey!

The orange-banded ninja's eyes slowly began to refocus as he looked to his older brother. Why did Raph have to see that? How could Raph expect him to protect the family when he let Leo get such a clean hit on him?

"I asked what yer doin'," Raph said again. The anger in his voice barely contained.

"It was a light sparring session Raph," Leo said calmly.

"Why in tha hell is Mikey sparrin'?"

"He's recovered very well so far," Donnie said quickly. "He needs to re-engage his body to regain his muscle-memory."

"He needs ta heal first don'cha think?" Raph snapped. "He's still bandaged up fer chrissake!"

Mikey cringed internally. Raph was right. He clearly wasn't anywhere _close _to being ready to protect this family. The thought ate at him as he gripped his nunchakus. But how was he supposed to get better without training?

"You don't need to get your shell in a bunch Raph," he said lightly. "I'm fine. I want to train."

Raph's eyes flashed with an emotion Mikey didn't recognize. Bitterness? Rejection? Before he could place it, the red-ninja whirled away from them all.

"Do what ya want…" he bit out before stalking away from his three brothers.

Raph fumed as he walked across the lair. Mikey _wanted_ to train? Since when had the knucklehead voluntarily given up the chance to goof off?

_Ever since ya weren't there ta watch his back,_ Raph thought bitterly. Slowly he began to climb the stairs to his room when a paw gently tugged his elbow. Raph whirled around to see Master Splinter standing directly behind him. How did the old man _do_ that?!

"My son," the aged rat said. "I wish to speak with you."

Raph groaned inside. This was the last thing he needed right now. He hadn't been sleeping lately and his nerves around Mikey were pretty much shot. He _really _didn't need a round of psychobabble with his master. But, he knew his father wouldn't take no for an answer, so resignedly Raph nodded and followed into his father's room.

_This should be fun, _he thought.


	9. Feel Chapter 6

**Happy Birthday you guys! Ok well no really it's my birthday, but since I've gotten so many lovely presents and people wishing me a happy birthday, I just had to put this out there for you guys! I hope you all enjoy your birthday present and don't feel shy about leaving some feedback! :D**

Raphael's shoulders slumped as he followed Master Splinter past the thin shoji doors. Had his father heard him yell at his brothers about Mikey? Was he in for another verbal lashing about his anger? He was just so tired. He _really_ didn't have the energy to go ten rounds with…

"Please my son," Splinter said, motioning to a low table. "Sit."

Raph blinked. Normally when he was in for a lecture he was kneeling, head bowed, fists clenched. Awkwardly, he made his way to the table, and sat on a thin cushion, watching as his master turned to a small teapot on a hotplate. Unsure what to do, he fiddled with the sai in his belt, a nervous habit he'd had for years.

Splinter's ears picked up the faint 'ting' of the metal brushing against Raphael's skin and sighed to himself. He had to admit, he did not often share moments with his hothead son that didn't include a severe scolding. This conversation would be hard enough without his son's nervous energy.

"Relax my son," Splinter said softly, placing a pot of tea on the table. "I did not call you in here to, how you say, 'bite your head off'."

Raph's nervous fingers froze. What in the world was this about? Since when did his Sensei, the proper and traditional ninja master, use slang? Where had he even heard that?

"Please Raphael," Splinter pressed. "I just wanted to ask you how you were doing."

Raph quickly composed himself.

"M'doin' fine masta," he muttered.

Slowly, Splinter's eyes roved over his second eldest son. There were deep, dark circles barely concealed by the crimson mask he wore. His muscles, while no longer malnourished, were thin and wiry. Obviously not up to their usual task of heavy lifting. Even the once emerald skin seemed to have paled and dulled. But it was the golden eyes that held the true pain. It made his old heart ache to look into those suffering eyes.

"No my son," Splinter said softly. "I do not think you are."

Raph growled low in his throat. _Here we go_, he thought bitterly.

"My son, I have been watching you and your brothers," Splinter said. "And while I see great progress and healing, I've noticed that you seem to be harboring something that is troubling you.

Splinter paused, hoping his passionate son would open up to him. How desperately the old rat wished to help his son.

Raph clenched his fists together. He wouldn't break. Not in front of his brothers, and most _certainly_ not in front of his father.

"S'nuthin I can't handle Sensei," Raph said brusquely. "I'm fine."

Sighing the old rat sipped his tea, contemplating how he should broach the subject he knew was plaguing the red-banded ninja. Setting his cup down Splinter took a steadying breath as he looked into his son's eyes.

"You have always resisted help my son, even when you were very small," Splinter said wistfully.

Raphael remained silent.

"I still remember the little turtle who refused to ask for help climbing down from the pipe he had so eagerly climbed despite my warnings," Splinter said with a chuckle.

Raphael didn't even crack a smile. Splinter tried not to let his fraying patience show. He was worried, and of all his sons, Raphael was the hardest to get to open up.

"My son, please," Splinter begged. "Please let me help you. Tell me wh– "

"IT WAS MY FAULT!" Raph bellowed.

Stunned, Splinter sat silently staring at the red-banded ninja.

Raph's shoulders shook as he tried to take steadying breaths. Splinter's dark eyes searched his face.

"It was my fault," Raph whispered. "I did this."

"What did you do my son?" Splinter asked.

Biting his lip. Raph tore his eyes away from the intense gaze of his father. He was so weak.

"I shoulda never made Mikey spar wit me," Raph said, staring blindly at the floor. "I shoulda just had his back like I'm supposed ta. I hurt him…"

Splinter stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"Why _did _you have him spar with you?" he asked.

Raph remained silent. The pain and embarrassment of it all was too much to put into words. It made his shame too real.

"Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes my son," Splinter said, stroking the smooth porcelain of his teacup.

"I was scared," Raph said quietly.

Splinter's ears perked up.

"What were you scared of my son?" Splinter gently prompted.

Again Raphael bit his lip. He had already said more than he meant to Splinter. Might as well just let it all go now. He was screwed anyways.

"I'm supposed ta protect 'em," Raph said, his body tensing as his anger at himself grew. "I'm supposed ta be the guy that keeps them safe. Tha shield that takes tha hits. It's what I been trained ta do. Mikey, he jus'…what if I wasn't there? What if I messed up? I almost lost 'im! What if he…"

Raph swallowed hard. It was his biggest fear. Losing his family because he wasn't strong enough. He had almost lost his baby brother, all because he couldn't bear the fear. The full force of his failure came crushing down on him making his tired face haggard and drawn.

Splinter felt his heart nearly break in two. His poor, caring son…how had his perception become so skewed? Surely he must see beyond that?

"You have lost your way my son," Splinter said softly. "You have never have been a 'shield' to Michelangelo or any of your brothers."

Raph's golden eyes snapped to his father. What did Splinter mean by that?

"What do ya mean sensei?" Raph asked. "I'm supposed ta–."

"You are NOT a shield Raphael," Splinter said forcefully. "That is not your place in this family."

Raph froze staring wide-eyed at his master.

"You really mean that Sensei?" he asked softly, tears pricking at his eyes.

"Yes my son," Splinter said softly. "You must see beyond that. I have raised you all to be strong, but it is you who defines who you are. Not your training. Do you understand?"

Biting back more tears Raphael nodded, wiping his hand roughly across his face.

Splinter gave a sad smile. How desperately he hoped his son would know how much he meant to this small family. Raphael was more than just "muscle" to be used. He was so much more.

"You need rest my son," Splinter said, placing an old paw on the scarred and calloused hand of his son. "You are at war with yourself and it is hurting you. Please rest."

Nodding silently Raphael rose. Giving a respectful bow he left Splinter's room. His tea had long since gone cold.

….

His father never considered him a shield. The thought wouldn't leave Raph's mind. Slithering deep into his already fragile psyche. He wasn't a shield, because he wasn't strong enough. How could he be considered a protector when he was so weak himself? How could he ease his brothers' fears when his own plagued him so mercilessly?

Raph stumbled to his room. Another attack. This one was bad. Shutting the door quickly behind him, Raph fell to his knees. He had managed to get through Splinter's talk, but only because his blood had frozen the moment his father unveiled that harsh truth.

_"You were never a shield to Michelangelo or any of your brothers."_

Raph's breath came in short gasps. How could he have grown so deluded?

_"You have lost your way my son."_

He wasn't a shield. He wasn't a protector. Then what was he?

_"That is not your place in this family."_

"NO!"

Raph slammed his fist against the cold concrete wall. The despair he had felt was burned away as the firestorm of his rage consumed him.

**THWOK!**

His fist hit the wall. He knew who he was.

**THWOK!**

He wasn't the calm genius that worked tirelessly for his family.

**THWOK!**

He wasn't the leader who trained to perfection.

**THWOK!**

And he certainly wasn't the light that held this family together.

**THWOK!**

He was the shield. The wall between the pain and suffering that threatened those he loved.

Splinter was wrong.

Gritting his teeth, Raph clenched his battered bloody fists tightly.

"I'll protect you all."

…..

**Later that night**

Leonardo glanced behind him at Raphael. The hothead hadn't said a word after leaving their father's room. And what were those extra bandages around his hands?

Raph must have felt his eyes on him as he caught Leo's searching gaze.

"What're ya lookin' at Fearless?" he asked gruffly.

"Nothing Raph," Leo hedged. "Just wondering about the wraps on your hands."

Raph grunted.

"Got too worked up on ma punchin' bag," he lied smoothly. "Had to wrap 'em."

Leo highly doubted Raph's story, but didn't press the issue. Raph was out here for _him_. He wasn't about to antagonize his savior. And truly that was what Raph had become.

Night after night, the red ninja had followed him around NYC, helping him rout out Purple Dragons like vengeful phantoms. Leo's rage had yet to truly subside, but with Raph by his side, he was no longer consumed by it. If anything it had brought the once warring brothers closer. But that didn't mean that the leader didn't notice the subtle changes in Raph's behavior as of late.

For weeks his younger brother had an air about him like all the anger he had harbored over the years had been replaced with a steady patience, especially when it came to Mikey. He watched as Raph spent less time focusing on himself and more on helping his brothers. He had even put Donnie to bed the other night after he had finished cleaning the dojo for Mikey's physical therapy.

Leo let his gaze swing back to the dark rooftops before them. Something was different tonight. The patience and calm that Raph had been exuding was gone. Tonight he felt almost…dangerous. Leo resisted the urge to turn and look at his brother again. Whatever happened in Master Splinter's room had obviously rattled the red-banded ninja, and…

A scream filled the crisp night air, derailing Leo's train of thought.

Turning sharply the brothers silently scaled the rough brick walls landing in the dirty puddles that covered the narrow alley. A crowd of Purple Dragons had a young couple pinned against the wall, the woman crying as she watched the Dragons beat on her lover.

"Aw c'mon man!" one of the Dragons yelled, landing a vicious punch. "You can do betta than _this!_"

Leo's muscles tensed as he stalked his prey. These scumbags would regret the day they ever set foot in his city.

"If ya wanna protect the pretty girlie," the Dragon sneered, punching the poor man again. "Ya gotta be—"

The Dragon never got a chance to finish the sentence as Raphael brutally slammed the butt of his sai into the man's temple. Leo blinked as he watched the man crumple to the ground. When had Raph even moved? A cry from the remaining gang members broke in on his musings. Gripping his swords tightly, Leo could feel the anger he was hiding begin to break free. With a cruel smile he stepped forward crossing his blades. He couldn't let Raph have all the fun.

The two turtles fought like demons, landing cruel blows on their enemies, breaking bones and tearing flesh. It was a trial by fire that left Leonardo feeling cleansed as the blood dripped down his lethal katana. He had not killed anyone, mostly because Raph somehow seemed to be twenty places at once, taking out Dragon after Dragon, but his anger had finally reached a fever pitch. Hearing the woman scream had brought back memories of Mikey, swimming in a sea of his own blood in a dirty warehouse.

"Take this ya damn freak!"

Leo turned just in time to see the knife, but not quick enough to dodge it completely. The Dragon got a lucky swing in, nicking the leaf green skin of Leo's arm. Blood flowed but it was nothing Leo would worry about. If anything he was just angry that he had lost focus in battle to the point a low-level thug could hurt him at all. With a growl he turned his full attention to the man.

Raphael was a turtle on the warpath. Everything before him was mowed down in a blur of metal and red. His sais sang in the cool air as they sliced, stabbed and slammed the poor fools unlucky enough to get close. He knew Leo needed the release for his anger, but tonight, Raph would make sure _nothing_ happened to his older brother. So when he turned and saw the trickle of blood snaking its way down Leo's arm, Raph couldn't hold back his rage.

"RRAAAAAH!"

Raph's cry echoed off the dirty alley walls as he barreled into the gangster brandishing the knife. His shoulder slammed into the man's side winding him but didn't stop until he had run the man straight into the wall. Stepping back Raph watched the man try desperately to keep his feet, swinging his knife at Raph without much else in mind than keeping the furious turtle at bay.

With a derisive snort, Raph slapped the knife out of the man's hand, listening as it clattered to the other side of the alley. Without a pause, Raph whirled into a roundhouse kick, slamming his heel into the man's temple. The man crumpled to the ground as a small whimper escaped his lips.

Leo watched his younger brother with awe and apprehension. Raph had always been a tough and intense fighter, but watching him tonight was like watching art. It was if he was fueled by some dark and terrible energy that rolled off his skin, and woe to the fool who got in his way. It was beautiful.

"LEO!"

Raph's voice broke across Leo right as he heard the whistling of an object flying at him. Quickly glancing over, he saw the knife that Raph had knocked away was dangerously close to slamming him right between the eyes.

**CLANG!**

Leo whipped his eyes to follow the blur of metal that collided with the oncoming knife. Turning to the wall, he saw one of Raph's sai pinning the offending weapon to the wall, deeply embedded in the red bricks.

Angrily, Leo brought his eyes around to the last Dragon in the alley who had almost made him a turtle shishkabob. Growling low in his throat the blue-banded ninja rushed forward like a turtle possessed, furiously slicing at the unfortunate thug before him. The man screamed as the cold metal bit into his flesh, trying to turn and run from the green skinned demon. But Leo was too fast, cutting off any hope for retreat. His rage filled his gaze with malice and with cruel intent he brought his swords down to the man's neck…only to hear the clang of metal rather than the sticky pull of flesh.

Blinking he looked into the eyes of his younger brother.

"No Leo," he said quietly. "We're done here."

Looking back down at the crippled man, Leo felt his stomach twist. He had almost killed this man when he had no means of fighting back. His brother had just saved him from shaming himself and turning his back on everything their father had taught them. Honor.

Silently he nodded, pulling back his blades and sheathing them. He glanced to where the young couple had been and found both unconscious on the ground. With a slight nod of the head, he lead Raph over to help check them both for injuries. The woman had fainted and was breathing evenly. The man would have some nasty bruising and maybe a cracked rib or two but he would live. Leo pulled his Shell Cell out and placed an anonymous call to the authorities, and then the two brothers melted back into the shadows.

Once they were high up on the rooftops again, Raph immediately drew up beside his leader. Without a word, he grabbed Leo's arm, inspecting the cut the knife had made. Leo let him without complaint, still reeling from the horrible mistake he had almost made.

"Tha cut ain't deep," Raph said. "But we'll need ta wrap it up when we get back."

He let go of Leo's arm, turning towards home.

"I almost killed him Raph."

The hothead ninja stopped in his tracks. Slowly he turned again to face his brother.

"But ya didn't," he said slowly. This sounded like something that Leo could get lost in if he wasn't careful.

"But I was going to," Leo insisted. "I was bringing my swords down on a defenseless opponent until you stopped me."

"Yeah I stopped ya Leo," Raph said firmly. "And you were tha one ta ask me ta help ya. Ya made that decision just as much as I laid my sai out to catch yer swords."

Leo's eyes flicked over to Raph's.

"What does that have to do with—"

"Ya chose ta lean on someone and help ya not make a terrible mistake," Raph said, placing a hand on Leo's shoulder. "Ya coulda kept doin' this on yer own, but ya didn't. Ya knew ya needed help, and that's what I'm here fer."

Sighing, Leo rested his head on Raph's shoulder, closing his eyes. Once again the hot head had saved him.

"Thanks for protecting me Raph," Leo said.

"That's what I'm here for," Raph said quietly.


End file.
